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Dating, Love & Sex
Dealing with Parents
The Bible says, “What fellowship has Christ with Belial?” And Belial is another name for the devil. Those who are involved in witchcraft, demons, evil spirits—Wiccans, they think they’re good. They’re white witches, and it’s okay, but it’s not. Get out before it gets you. You say, “Well, I’m strong.” Well, you may be, but I would break it off. I think it’s a big mistake. And you say, “Well, I’m going to lead her to the Lord.” Well, maybe. But as long as you’ve got a romantic relationship, and there is a bond between you, you’re joining yourself to somebody who has in turn joined to the devil. And I don’t think that’s too good an idea.
Dorothy, you let them out slowly, little, by little, by little, by little. But the truth is 18-year-olds are not as mature as they think they are and especially if they’re living at home, taking your bed, your board, your money, your allowance, your tuition, and all the rest of it. You have the say in what they do. And if they want to cut free, then they’re going to have to support themselves, and most of them don’t want to do that. But little, by little, by little, you give them freedom, but you don’t want anybody to have such freedom. None of us have license to live as we want to. We’re under God’s rules and regulations whether we like it or not.
Well, welcome to manhood. The issue is not looking at women. I can tell from just the tone of how you write that it’s not just that for you. What you’re going through is what Scripture is very specific about, and that’s lust. So don’t call it anything other than what it is. I’ve found it helpful to do that. Unmask it. Don’t make it pretty. Don’t make it gentle. Don’t try to give excuses for it. Looking at women is okay. The urge to marry and to have children is a good urge. That’s how the human race has grown so fast in such a little period of time. But at the same time, if you let it control your thoughts—and it’s the thought life that you really get into trouble with—then it’s a complete mistake. Start just reminding yourself, “That’s just a fantasy. That’s not real.” Realize that they are a person, that they are made in the image of God, that they have a living spirit within them. When you start taking that thought process all the way there, then you don’t have to worry about lust anymore.
The Bible says have no fellowship with the unfruitful works of darkness. Rather, reprove them. There comes a time when your witness is getting overwhelmed by their conduct. Rather than you nagging them all the time, it’s better to find Christian friends and begin to pray for them. A lot of times they do that just to get your goat. They’re teasing you. So I would just say stay away from them. It’s really having no fellowship with the unfruitful works of darkness. That’s biblical.
Look, there's nothing wrong with dating outside your race. I don't know if you're talking about whether you're black and you're dating white people, or whether you're Asian and dating Caucasian people. You didn't say what race you're talking about. But God made all races from one. They all came from Adam and Eve, so the'yre all part of one.
The question is not the color of somebody's skin or the way their eyes are cast, but whats in their heart? I think your parents should be concerned about whether you're dating people who know the Lord. That's what's important. If you're dating a heathen, or they are trying to bring you into idolatry, then it's a different matter.
My heart goes out to teenagers who are going through a very difficult period in their life. They are entering into puberty. Their bodies are changing. In the case of young women, they are developing what are called secondary sex characteristics which are essentially preparing them for motherhood. This means they are beginning menstruation, they are beginning to develop breasts, and experiencing other major changes in their bodies.
As in this case, this young girl verbalizes it as "I feel sooooo bad about my body." What is happening to you is not, something you should feel badly about, but praise God about. It's going to prepare you one day to be a wife and a mother.
However, coupled with the normal confusion that comes upon a teenager as to his or her identity, you are faced with a problem because your father walked out on you. Interestingly enough, it is fathers who seem to play the most important role in the social development of daughters. Without the father being there, there is no way that a young lady can totally adapt to the situation around her. She feels lonely and as if no one is ever there for her. God is there for you. Jesus Christ is there for you. He will be the Father of the fatherless, and He will be the Husband of the widow. God will come and make Himself real in your life, and you will know somebody who loves you and cares about you. You have received Jesus as your Savior, and I want you to know that He is your protector. Talk to Him ...talk to Him every day: Tell Him the deep longings of your heart. He knows everything you think anyhow, so why not let Him know your problems. Share with Him what's going on inside you, and let Him reach out to you in comfort and love.
Beyond that, get together with Christian people in your church, your school, and other associations available to you, and let them talk to you, help you, and encourage you. Find someone you can trust and confide in. Perhaps it's another woman, an older girl, or someone who knows the Lord to whom you can go and just talk. There are people who will love you and bless you and encourage you.
My prayer is that you will know the answer to the cry of your heart.
According to our laws now, when you pass 18, you’re emancipated, so you’re kind of on your own. But I think your parents do have some wisdom. They’ve lived longer than you have, and they’ve seen the heartaches. I tell you something, the salary levels for somebody with a college degree are probably double what somebody with a high school degree makes. So your lifetime earning potential is vastly greater. I don’t know what your calling is. I mean, if you’re a Lebron James, your calling is to get millions of dollars putting a little ball in the hoop. And he left high school and into the pros. So I don’t know if you’re called to be a pro basketball player or what it is. For a well-rounded person, if you just take a liberal arts education, it gives you access to all kinds of wonderful things. The literature of our culture, the art, the history and philosophy, etcetera. It’s nice to have a background in that, regardless of what your calling is. It helps you to live your life better. With a college degree, believe me that your earning capacity is vastly greater, and your parents know that. But it’s your call. You’re old enough. You can make your own decision.
You got drunk. You’d never done lewd behavior. But you’re drunk, and you start taking your clothes off at a mixed party? I don’t know how far you went with all this lewdness, but no, I don’t think you’ve ruined your reputation forever. I do think if you’re a Christian and you want to live that way, getting drunk isn’t exactly Christian conduct and what went beyond it. But you lose inhibitions. That’s what alcohol will do. It takes away your inhibitions, and you’re wide open to other things.
Well, also, one of the things you learn from this is, sometimes it’s hard to know when you’ve stepped over the line with alcohol. You might really want to take a look at what you’re doing there as well as what happens when you have too much.
These riotous parties, though, if you go with a crowd like this, this is what they expect. And they’re going to push you and goad you as far as they can. Especially if they’re not Christians and you are. Then, boy, you’re asking for it. Ask the Lord’s forgiveness, and get on with your life.
From an old grandfather, if one of my granddaughters comes through with a tattoo, she’s got a lot of trouble. No, seriously, the Bible does talk about scarring and marring of the body and cutting the body. These are pagan customs, and the Bible condemns it. All these scars, you look in pagan cultures, they cut themselves. They leave great scars in their bodies. And usually it was a scarring to indicate their allegiance to some pagan deity. So that’s what tattoos are all about. Plus the fact, they’re ugly.
If you go to those homosexual events, then you are approving of his lifestyle and thinking it’s okay. The Bible says, “Have nothing to do with the unfruitful works of darkness, but rather reprove them.” We as Christians always want to be nice to people, “Well, I don’t offend him. It might hurt my witness,” and all this stuff. Well, I’m sorry. The Bible says, “Have nothing to do with the unfruitful works of darkness, but rather reprove them.” If you go to these places, the next thing you know, you will be enticed into their lifestyle instead of him being enticed to yours. I would strongly advise against it. If you have to go get another friend or other friends, do so. It’s a pity. I would certainly pray for him, but I just don’t think I’d go into that game.
It’s wrong for homosexuals to adopt. I think that they will lead children into the lifestyle they have. If you really care for somebody and you’re close to somebody, the biggest thing you can do to help them is to talk to them about the Lord and to share the Bible, not confrontational, but share the Bible. Whether or not these two hardened homosexuals would come out of that lifestyle remains to be seen. But at least the young man needs to get established in the things of God. And if you’re successful at that, God bless you. But as far as him going back to his, quote, 'two fathers' and confronting them, I don’t know. What do you think?
Well, I don’t think he should. There’s that saying, you hear it all the time. I’m probably not quoting it exact, but, 'Preach the Gospel at all times. Use words if you must.' I think even as a 13-year-old, through being diligent in the Word of God, attending church with you, speaking lovingly to the two people who’ve been put in a position of authority in parenting over him, that he can be have more influence by not saying something and loving Jesus and letting God control his life that confronting them.
The biggest thing, though, is that they will try to get him into that lifestyle and that is the danger. Of course, I don’t know them. I mean, maybe that wouldn’t be the case, but I suspect it will be. And so the big thing is for this young man to get himself established in the Lord rather than confronting.
The Bible says, “Judge not that you be not judged.” God did not set you up as a judge of your father. He told you to be an obedient son, and you’re to honor your mother and father. That’s the commandment, not, “I will not speak to my father as long as he’s an adulterer.” Now, should you do everything you can to pray for him? Yes. Should you try to bring about some reconciliation? Yes. But do you know why he left your mother? Do you know what went on between them? Chances are, at 12, you didn’t really find out too much about what the real story was. The fact that your father is living with a woman and not getting married to her, there’s no question that it’s adultery. The Bible says if somebody claims to be a believer and is fornicator or evil, you’re not even supposed to eat with them. So there are two commandments, but I think the first one that controls is honor your mother and father. So, he’s always your father. He’s the only one you’ve got, and you need to honor him in that regard, regardless of what he’s done.
There are a couple of issues that your letter raises. First of all, what do you do with the child? Well, my clear advice is have the child. If you are capable of raising the child, by all means, do so. If not, find a Christian home that you can allow to adopt this wonderful baby who’d been looking and praying for a child to love. And if you want to get on with your life, do something else. By all means, give the child up, but don’t have an abortion. That’s number one. Number two, it’s just the way our bodies are made. Women are equipped to bear children and to nurture them, and men are supposed to be providers. But, nevertheless, they don’t have the responsibility women do. And it’s just the biological fact of the way we were made. But you said you and your boyfriend both sinned, “how come he gets away with it?” The truth is, he’s not going to get away with sin. You don’t ever get away with sin. You say, “Well, he’s off scot-free.” No, he’s not. He’ll be bearing some consequence sometime along the way. Or if he doesn’t repent, he’s going to wind up a lifetime in Hell. Not a lifetime, but an eternity in Hell. And so there’s always an ultimate punishment. It may not happen in this life, but it will happen. And in his case, the chances are it’ll happen earlier. If he’s this irresponsible in relation to a child that he’s fathered, then he will also be irresponsible in a job, in business and other things, and he will go through a succession of problems that’ll be worse than what you’ve got to deal with. On the other hand, this can be a blessing to you. This little baby can turn your life around. It can be a wonderful, wonderful blessing, and you’ll thank God 20 years down the road that He gave you this marvelous child. Consider the child a blessing from God. But you are learning to repent, and you’re saying, ”God, I sinned. I did something wrong, and I ask your forgiveness.” So, in a sense, before God, you stand righteous, because the Lord has forgiven you. And take what seems to be a problem and turn it into a blessing, and watch what happens.
It’s okay to celebrate once in a while. But the truth is, sugar’s poison, and it takes away your strength. If you’re working out, you don’t have as much strength, you don’t have as much endurance and so forth. It’s just something that you don’t want to do. It has no benefit at all, except it kicks your sweet tooth. It’s like drinking alcohol. You set up a craving. The more sweets you eat, the more you want to eat. On this one it’s better to go cold turkey. Fruits? No problem. Your taste will develop so you’ll really enjoy it.
Any exercise will help you lose weight. And the answer is, if you spread it out, that’s fine. As far as cardio, you need to get your heart rate up to a point, whatever that is. And then you have a maximum heart rate, and you want to get it up to something in the neighborhood of 80 percent of what your max is. So there’s scales that tell you for your age and so forth what the maximum heart rate should be, and you usually have to do sustained cardio to get that up there. And unless you do, the cardio benefits won’t be there. So if you just do a couple of minutes or three minutes of cardio—but you can sure do three or four minutes of weightlifting and then three or four minutes more of weightlifting; it won’t hurt you. But, really, all things being equal, given the routine we all have, it’s better to do about 30 minutes and get it over with.
Yes. Say, “I saw this on television. I was watching The 700 Club, and here’s this little packet. These people are doing exercise and diet that they say is just wonderful. I’ve read this. I like it, and maybe you’d like it.” End of story.
That is absolutely the wrong thing to do. My program was set up for bodybuilders, and it just happens to work for losing weight, too. The big thing about any bodybuilder will tell you, you’ve got to have a balance of proteins, carbohydrates, essential fatty acids, and a lot of salads. You must eat breakfast. You’ve had a fast all night long, and your muscles are depleted. There’s no way that your body’s going to burn the fat. The metabolism won’t be working properly. So by all means, take my shake and drink it for breakfast.
God will forgive you of anything, but I do think that you need to have your mind renewed. You renew your mind by the Word of God. You need to feed on the Word and let your speech be with grace, seasoned with salt. Have grace coming out of your mouth. If you are listening to the words of Scripture, your mouth will come out differently. But I know when I was a kid, I used to use some horrible language. The minute I found the Lord, it was like He just did something and cleaned it up. It was just amazing. It was a totally different thing that goes away by the power of the Holy Spirit. So, pray that the Lord will deliver you from it, but feed your mind day and night on the Word of God and in prayer. You’ll find that filthy language will leave you.
Well, on the last question, yes, it does matter. If his belief in God is based on some kind of an infatuation with you, you’ve got a problem, and that isn’t a relationship that you should encourage. The apostle Paul said he desired that their faith would be based on the power of God, not the wisdom of men. Now, we get to preach the Gospel. We get to reason with people as to why we believe in Jesus Christ. But it’s that conversion moment where they really know that He is Lord, that He is risen from the dead, that is always a one-on-one between someone and Jesus Christ. We just sort of introduce. And when his faith gets based on that, then you’ve got something that you can really stand on.
That’s a psychological thing. It may be demonic. I think there are demons that want people to do this to themselves. But this is a specific psychological manifestation. I have a hard time understanding why people do it, but a lot of people, especially young girls, do this. There is a satisfaction from physical pain. They may have a desire from sometime in the past they want to be punished. I don’t know all the ramifications...
Isn’t there usually somebody in schools that’s there to help kids nowadays?
Yes, but this particular cutting thing is something that takes some pretty deep therapy to find out what’s going on with them. You need somebody who is a Christian to go through it. Either that or you need some good people to pray that you might be set free. This could be caused by demonic influences. I don’t know that much about you, but you need professional help. More than anything, you need to speak in the name of Jesus that you are free, and your body is the temple of the Holy Spirit. You do not deface it.
A caring friend will be there to pray with you in your time of need.