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CBN.com "I didnt want to sing again, I didnt want to get on a platform, and, frankly, I thought, How could I even minister to anybody? I need ministering to," says Tammy Trent.
But Tammy is singing again and ministering to thousands of people at Women of Faith conferences across the country. Two years ago on September 11, Tammy lost her husband Trent in a diving accident. The couple was on vacation in Jamaica.
"I close my eyes and I can see Trent," she says. "I can see him having lunch across the table from me. I can see him slip into the water and wave good-bye to me."
Water carries bittersweet memories for Tammy. Trent loved it, and he also loved Tammy from the time they were 15 years old.
"He treasured meevery single day. He was faithful, consistent. I totally understood Gods love, Gods mercy, Gods grace, Gods forgiveness because of the way that my husband forgave me, loved me, covered me, showed me grace, showed me mercy."
It has now been two years since Trent tragically died. Lisa Ryan recently talked with Tammy about how she is coping now.
LISA RYAN: How are you doing?
TAMMY TRENT: There are days I feel so strong, and there are days I feel so broken and empty still, but Ive come to know so many people through it who Ive never known before whove prayed for me daily. I know its because of those prayersthose are the moments that I wake up and say I can fight through this. I know theyre also the moments that cover me when Im broken.
LISA RYAN: Where are you in that journey? Grieving, healingits a process.
TAMMY TRENT: Im in my weakest hours, but when we are weak, He is strong. Its when Hes so strong He works through us thats what people see when theyre like, 'Youre amazing and so strong and what a woman of God,' and Im like, 'Girl, I am not, but what you see is God,' and thats the cool part of the story. Thats the cool part of living for Jesus. If youre seeing something in me, its because of God, its not me.
LISA RYAN: Do you ever wonder why it seems like God takes the good ones home early?
TAMMY TRENT: Definitely because I think you just want to have a conversation with Jesus and say, 'I dont get it. God, I dont understand.' But, I think, Lisa, Ive gotten to the place where I had to fight through all of those questions, and then I said, 'No more questions. No more. Jesus, its time for me to say, "What now for my life?"'
LISA RYAN: You have journaled by e-mail over the last couple of years and youve been very honest and vulnerable.
TAMMY TRENT: I decided to journal because Id get thousands of e-mails it seems like every week and I think its what Trent would want. Hed still want to be touching somebodys life, so its me sort of living that out. Its me being vulnerable, just sort of opening up my heart to everybody here, and its painful, but Trent, you were amazing, and I want to tell the world about you.
LISA RYAN: Trent still has a legacy.
TAMMY TRENT: Definitely. There were almost 2,000 people at his funeral, and I know many people got saved that day. I know many people are getting saved still. And I know as hard as it is for me to still take a platform to still get up and share the story, night after night, in it, people are still coming to know Jesus, people Ive never met, people Trent has never met, so there is life in the midst of death. Those are the things I try to hang onto that get me through another day.
LISA RYAN (reporting): Tammy took a full year off after Trents death, and then she began writing songs again.
TAMMY TRENT: One of the first songs I wrote sitting on this couch with some candles lit and a friend was here with a guitar and he just started playing that melody and I just started singing, 'I love you. I need you. I praise you Father God. Father God I still love you.' It was the very first thing I shared with 20,000 women. After I was done with that songsometimes I have this fight in mejust 'Go, Tammy, keep moving.' I was just in this moment by myself. I opened up my eyes and saw 20,000 women standing to their feet clapping their hands. It was just like, 'We love you; we are praying for you; were supporting you. Keep going, girl. Youre making a difference; youre changing the world; keep breathing; keep moving; keep going.' All I could do was just stand there and cry. I just looked at them all, and I just said, 'Thank you. Thank you.' Its like God also knew what I needed in that. That was enough to say OK, Ill get up and do it again next weekend.
LISA RYAN: Have people tried to rush your grieving, healing process?
TAMMY TRENT: There have been some people, but overall people who knew Trent and I, they totally understand it. I was so complete in Trent. I was so fulfilled in Trent. As far as marriage, I feel like my cup is full I lived it; I experienced it. I have other empty cups in my life, but that cup was full.
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