Dr. Linda Helps - You suspect he is having an affair. Things have been tense between the two of you for months. He’s making excuses to stay late at the office. There are unaccountable expenses on the credit cards. You sense an uncomfortable sexual distance.

Marital therapists know that close to 50 percent of marital therapy involves an extramarital affair. They will tell you something you could probably guess – that extramarital affairs have a damaging impact on couples; only physical abuse ranks higher.1

While most people still believe extramarital affairs are wrong, many have them. Survey data indicates that 15 percent of women and 25 percent of men report they had an affair.2  These numbers are lower than previous reports of 25 percent for women and 50 percent for men.3

Affairs also can be emotionally based and include sexual intimacies other than intercourse. About 20 percent of people admit to these types of extramarital affairs. The numbers are higher for men, but women are gaining ground. This is probably related to women in the work force and lack of premarital sexual standards.

There remains a double standard when it comes to affairs. Divorce is more likely to occur when the woman has the affair. And, unfaithful women are viewed more negatively than unfaithful men in many cultures.

Usually affairs are fueled by:

• Marital dissatisfaction
  
• Family problems
  
• Friendships that have become too close
  
• “Falling in love” with another person
  
• Physical separation
  
• Spiritual decline regarding a person’s intimate relationship with God

Those who resist affairs do so because of:

• Commitment to the marital covenant
  
• Strong trust established with their spouse
  
• Religious values
  
• Moral standards
  
• Evaluation of the negative consequences – potential harm to the marriage
  
• The risk of STDs (Amazingly, fear of contacting AIDS has not been identified as a deterrent)4
  
• A strong personal relationship with an intimate God

People are surprised to learn that the unfaithful spouse usually does not leave the marriage to marry the person with whom he or she had an affair. Often the affair is a symptom of underlying marital unhappiness and the affair propels the partner out of the relationship. Other times, the affair is the cause of marital unhappiness.
 
All in all, infidelity has destructive and damaging effects on marriages. However, an affair is not a death sentence for any marriage. Because we experience forgiveness from a loving heavenly Father, we can forgive others, even for an affair. Forgiveness is a crucial step in the healing process.

Over my 20 years of practice, I have seen numerous couples put rocky marriages back together after the devastation of an affair. With God’s help, repentance, forgiveness, an understanding of what caused the affair, and a willingness to work on problems through marital therapy, marriages can come through the process of infidelity stronger and recommitted.

*Information taken from Dr. Linda Mintle's book, "Divorce Proofing Your Marriage" (Creation House, 2001).

Endnotes:
1 Whisman, M.A., Dixon, A.E., & Johnson, B. (1997). “Therapists’ perspectives of couple problems and treatment issues in coupe therapy.” Journal of Family Psychology, 11, 361-366.

2 Laumann, E., Gagnon, J., Michael, R., & Michaels, S. (1994). “The social organization of sexuality: Sexual practices in the United States.” Chicago: University of Chicago Press.

3 Glass, S.P., & Wright, T.L. (1977). “The relationship of extramarital sex, length of marriage, and the sex differences on marital satisfaction and romanticism: Athanasiou’s data reanalyzed.” Journal of Marriage and the Family, 39, 691-703.

4 Choi, K., Catania, J.A., & Dolcini, M.M. (1994). “Extramarital sex and HIV risk behavior among U.S. adults: Results from the national AIDS Behavioral Survey.” American Journal of Public Health, 84, 2003-2007.

Dr. Mintle – author, professor, Approved Supervisor and Clinical member of the American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy – is a speaker and media personality, as well as a licensed clinical social worker with over twenty years in psychotherapy practice.

For more articles and information, visit Dr. Linda Mintle's Web site.