Dr. Linda Helps - The transition to parenthood, even when desired, is not easy for most couples. We know from previous research that marriages are vulnerable following the birth of a baby. Marital satisfaction usually decreases. Couples face more conflict and usually have less positive communication. The question then is what helps couples prevent this normal developmental change from becoming so stressful?

Researchers Shapiro and Gottman attempted to find out by studying a group of couples who did and did not have children during the first six years of marriage. What they found reinforced previous research-- wives who had children reported less marital satisfaction than wives who did not become parents. The lowered satisfaction rates for over half the wives occurred a year after birth. For a small percentage (15 percent), satisfaction decreased two years post-birth.

Husbands who had children were also less satisfied with their marriages compared to those who did not have children. However, the difference between the two groups of husbands was not significant.

The researchers also studied the group of couples who became parents but remained stable or increased on measures of marital satisfaction. What was different about these couples? What was it that helped buffer the stress of having a new baby?

What they found was interesting.

Marital friendship was key and included these two things:

1) Spouses had a level of awareness about their partner, his/her life and the couple relationship

2) Husbands admired and were fond of their wives. Marital friendship seemed to ward off the stress of transition to parenthood.  

So if you want to buffer your marital relationship from stress, build your friendship. Focus on things you admire and respect about your spouse. Get to know your spouses’ interests, go on dates, talk, have fun together and enjoy each other’s company.

Like most friendships, the more time you spend getting to intimately know the person, the deeper the friendship can go. And in marriage, close friendship has a positive effect on countering stress.

Dr. Mintle – author, professor, Approved Supervisor and Clinical member of the American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy – is a speaker and media personality, as well as a licensed clinical social worker with over twenty years in psychotherapy practice.

For more articles and information, visit Dr. Linda Mintle's Web site.