Dr. Linda Helps - As we pray for our young women to grow up to be pure and godly, you need to be aware of a new concern. It's a disturbing trend that has shown up not only in my practice, but among young women from church-going families. The trend involves something called "starter marriages". A "starter marriage" is a first time marriage that lasts five years or less and produces no children. What is distinctive about these marriages is that they are gaining popularity among women in their early 20s (Generation X).

Good Morning America featured a story about a woman who at the age of 22 married. One year later, she separated and by the age of 26, she was divorced. She acknowledged feeling totally unprepared for what happened after the wedding day. Her comment about her short-lived betrothal was, "I view marriage as a rehearsal. Now I am ready to play the part better because I can expect more of people and they can expect more of me …We, as the generation Xers, live in a culture of new beginnings where we can fix anything."

"Starter" or "practice" marriages have become in vogue in Hollywood as well. Notable young stars like Angelina Jolie, Drew Barrymore, Uma Thurman, and Jennifer Lopez have all married and divorced in their 20s. And media proclaims these marriages as hip and the "in" thing to do. Headlines read, "Hot, Young and Divorced." Because of the way these marriages are portrayed, teens often believe there are few downsides to these "rehearsal marriages". What deception!

A book has even been authored proclaiming starter marriages as the new trend of generation X. And young women are encouraged to cohabitate before marriage in order to check out their compatibility with potential partners.

So what could explain such blatant dismissal of biblical teaching? How can young people hold such a secular view of marriage and believe this deception? Not even research supports the idea of couples living together as a prevention to divorce. Divorce is hardly a positive experience even when it's desired, and remarriage has another set of its own problems.  

The answers have to do with a continuing erosion of marriage as a holy act, and marriage as sacred, God-ordained, and based on covenant. The culture prefers to ignore God and biblical prescriptions, turning instead to opinion and "feel good" life philosophy. Marriage is reduced to clothing status--you try it on for a while, if it doesn't fit, discard it and look for a new coat.

What's so sad about this view of marriage is that it feeds on low self-esteem, lack of self-respect and self-gratification. Young women who are unsure of themselves, struggling with independence from parents and launching from the family, may marry for security. Or they may see marriage as a complement to their idealized careers and personal status. Marriage is just another experience. If it doesn't work out, no big deal because many are themselves children of divorce, and have no direct experience with parents who have staying power in their marriages. So they idealize the wedding day and fail to really get to know the person whom they will live with after the romantic ceremony and honeymoon. Like their parents, they believe "God just wants me happy".

What no one talks about, however, is the incredible emotional disaster that follows the severing of a sexual and spiritual union. It is a big deal and these young women hurt.  

Consequently, we need to begin teaching our children early on that marriage is a sacred act in which two become one. God does not want us breaking covenant with impunity. The decision to marry is serious and should be made only after much time, prayer and godly counsel. It is not something to be tried on for size because you fear independence, want to be loved, or desire a trophy.

Furthermore, parents of Xers need to stay married and honor their vows. Children and teens learn by example and we've set a bad one. The idea of starter marriages may have developed in response to baby boomers divorcing at record rates. Their young adult children are scared of intimacy and fear abandonment no matter how "in vogue" the culture tries to make divorce look.

People have more to contend with then their personal problems. They have to make sense of a culture that tries to secularize things sacred to God. Pray for our teens and young adults. And if you are married, commit to finish what you started!

Dr. Mintle – author, professor, Approved Supervisor and Clinical member of the American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy – is a speaker and media personality, as well as a licensed clinical social worker with over twenty years in psychotherapy practice.

For more articles and information, visit Dr. Linda Mintle's Web site.