Dr. Linda Helps - Fusion is often confused with intimacy. Adult daughters desire to be close to their moms in intimate ways. We want to get to know them as women and hope they will know us as well. Fusion is something more than that. It moves beyond a desire for intimacy and is an extreme desire for completeness. In other words, you expect your mom to make up for all the hurt and upsets you feel in life. When she doesn't, you feel angry and disappointed.

When you are fused with your mom, you don't trust your own thinking and instead allow her to think for you and make her responsible for keeping you happy. This kind of fusion gives your mother power over your well-being. Because of this, you may try to constantly please and appease your mom.

Fusion is a form of emotional bondage. It will keep you stuck in any effort to define yourself as a unique person separate from your mother. Fusion is built on a false premise - that someone else could complete you. There is no such person. Only God can complete you. And He promises to make up the difference where others have let you down. So turn to God for completion, not to any human person. And learn to grieve the losses you have experienced with your mom. God is ready and willing to take on your hurts. His yoke is easy and His burden is light (see Matthew 11:30).

Too Much or Too Little

So how do you know if you are fused with your mother, too distant, or have a healthy connection? These questions may help you decide.

Fusion Questions:

1. Do you talk to your mom about every issue in your current family?

2. Do you ask your mom what to do when it comes to making decisions versus making your own decisions?

3. When you try to think about yourself unrelated to your mom or family, do you draw a blank?

4. Do you feel like you need your family's support or you can't survive?

5. Do you side with your mom over your husband or other important relationships, even if she's wrong?

6. Do you have trouble saying no to your mom?

7. Do you need to talk with your mom daily or you feel stressed or guilty?

8. Are you constantly asking your mom to reassure you that you made the right decision?

9. If you're married, do you feel closer to your mom than to your husband?

10. Do you feel guilty having your own thoughts when they conflict with your mother's?

Distancing Questions:

1. Do you stay away from your mom and avoid her?

2. Do you spend major holidays and family occasions without seeing or including your mom?

3. Do you avoid conflicts with your mom?

4. Do you walk away from your mom when things heat up and get tense, and so issues do not get resolved?

5. Do you try to show your mom how successful you are away from her?

6. Do you only have contact with your mom when there is a crisis?

7. Do you fantasize about having a different mother?

8. Do you keep your innermost thoughts and feelings hidden from your mom?

9. Do you pride yourself in your stance of pseudo-independence?

10. Are you carrying secret pain that involves your mom?

If you answered yes to most of these questions on either fusion or distance, you may need to rethink your relationship. Do you need to create more personal space or find ways to be more intimate? If so, begin like this.

First, identify your tendency to either pull away from your mom or be too fused. Be honest, using the questions above as a guide.

Next, decide to take steps toward a healthy intimacy with Mom using the strategies below. Initially, these strategies may cause more problems because you are changing the old dance. But in the long run, you'll have a more genuine and authentic relationship. You'll know who you are, and you can work on making necessary changes.

Strategies to Overcoming Distance

If you find that your general reaction to tension and strain with your mom is to distance yourself from her, here are some strategies to help keep you from running away.

1. Purposely do an activity with your Mom. Pick something that you can do with your mom and make a date to do it. You might try a walk in the park, enjoy tea at a tea room, go to a movie together, go shopping, play a game of cards, invite her over for dinner, share a sewing project, or work on a scrapbook together.

You may feel very uncomfortable doing anything with her because you haven't spent time with her in the past. That's OK; it gets easier the more you do it. Just determine to do it. You don't have to become her best friend, but if you never do anything fun or relaxing with her, it's difficult to address your relationship problems because all you have to work with are negative interactions. Create positive moments so your relationship has a healthy foundation on which to build.

2. When there is a conflict, try to stay present and don't run away. Your first impulse may be to run away, but try to stay in the situation when tension arises. You may need a ten-minute time-out to cool down or you may need a few moments to take some deep breaths and pray, but resist the impulse to run away. The more you practice, the better you'll get at fighting the urge to run away.

3. Work on your conflict-resolution skills (see Chapter 4). Sometimes we just don't know how to solve problems because we never saw problem-solving modeled as we were growing up. But problem-solving and negotiation skills can be learned. You may need to develop these skills and practice them with your mom.

4. Set limits for any abusive or addictive behavior. Distance is appropriate in cases of abuse, addiction, or whenever your safety is in question. If you state ahead of time that you will leave the room or the house if and when your mom becomes abusive or engages in addiction while you are with her, follow through. The message to your mom is, "I want a relationship with you, but you have to stop the abuse and/or the addiction in order for me to feel safe." It's an important message. You are no longer a helpless child. You can set boundaries and leave when they are violated.

Strategies for Overcoming Fusion

If you answered yes to the previous questions that helped you clarify whether your relationship with your mom is one of fusion, here are some strategies to help you establish your autonomy while still maintaining a rewarding bond.

1. Do not let yourself be loaded with guilt over unrealistic expectations. There's no time like the present to start asserting yourself. For example, if your mom insists that you are a "bad daughter" if you don't go see Grandma in the nursing home every day, and you know this is unrealistic and unrelated to your feelings for your grandma, tell her you can't promise to go every day but that you still love Grandma. If she gets mad, simply restate your position, calmly and politely. If she pulls away because you've taken that position, let her. Chances are she'll come to her senses. If she doesn't, it's her loss and she's being childish. You don't have to keep operating under unhealthy guilt.

2. Schedule activities with your current family and friends. Don't be available to do everything your mother asks. Have a life away from her; schedule activities with other family and friends. She may not like it, but it's the healthiest choice for you.

3. Establish realistic boundaries. Do not tell your mom every time you take a breath. She doesn't need a play-by-play recitation of your life. Some women get very mad about their mom's intrusiveness, and yet they invite it in by failing to set appropriate boundaries. You can have an intimate connection with her without giving her every detail of your life. For example, if your mom wants to know if your husband is satisfying you sexually, say, "Mom, that is really a private matter between my husband and me. I don't feel comfortable talking to you about it."

4. Stop asking for approval. If you find yourself constantly seeking your mother's approval, stop! You are a grown-up who should be able to decide what is right and wrong for yourself. The only One you really need to please is God. His approval matters more than anyone's. If you are keeping His commandments and following His directives - and relating to your mom accordingly - then you don't need the approval of others.

5. Control your emotional impulses. If you have trouble thinking before acting, stop and consider your words and actions before you speak or act. We get in trouble when we impulsively act and say whatever comes into our head. Think about the power of your words, and learn to control your tongue. In the same way that you don't like constant criticism, neither does your mother. Find positive things to say as you work out problems in your relationship.

*Excerpted from A Daughter's Journey Home, Copyright 2004 by Linda S. Mintle, Ph.D. Used by permission of Integrity Publishers.

Dr. Mintle – author, professor, Approved Supervisor and Clinical member of the American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy – is a speaker and media personality, as well as a licensed clinical social worker with over twenty years in psychotherapy practice.

For more articles and information, visit Dr. Linda Mintle's Web site.