divorce
Children of Divorce: The Painful Reality
By Heather Sells
CBN News Reporter
CBN.com – (CBN News) - New findings about the children of divorce show that "Generation X" may be suffering more than we think. Until now, most research has shown that the majority of these children are leading successful adult lives. But a new national study shows otherwise.
The study looks at the moral and spiritual development of these children as they live in two homes, and the conflict they experience between their two worlds.
Eleven-year-old Erin Matthews' two worlds are just several miles apart, but she still has to pack up every week.
Erin said, “I kind of live out of my bag. I keep most of my stuff in a bag. When it's Sunday, I pack up and go to the other parent's house.”
On the surface, this ritual appears easy. For Erin, moving between her parents' two homes is probably as good as it gets when it comes to divorce.
That is because her mom and dad have worked hard to put aside their differences, for Erin's sake.
“They're kind of friends. They don't yell at each other,” Erin explained.
Erin's mother, Cindy Hudnell, said, “Jim is very devoted to Erin, I'm very devoted to Erin, and she comes first.”
Erin enjoys special times with both her mom and dad, but misses each one when she is at the other's house.
“It's at night a lot, so I'll either cry myself to sleep, or if it's not too late, I'll call them,” Erin explained.
Erin's story, along with millions of others like hers, prompted Elizabeth Marquardt's national study on children of divorce. Her conclusion? Even in such best-case scenarios, there is tremendous pain for children.
Elizabeth Marquardt said, "What I found, quite clearly, is that having two homes feels much less safe and secure for children than having one."
Much of the research on children of divorce has emphasized how well they have adjusted in life. One long-term study found that 75 percent are mostly successful as young adults in their careers and intimate relationships.
Marquardt's study takes a closer look at that 75 percent. She deliberately interviewed "successful" college graduates, and what she found was a lot of pain growing up, and a lot of pain that never goes away.
Children of divorce are more likely than children from intact families to say they felt like different people with each of their parents. Children of divorce are three times as likely to say they felt like an outsider in their own home.
Laura Thacker and Anna Humphrey can relate. The two graduate students who grew up in divorced homes say they have only recently started healing. Laura especially remembers what it felt like, visiting her father.
Laura stated, “I was this daughter that came in [each] summer. Everyone knew my sisters, but not me. I was this weirdo, and I never felt accepted.”
Kimberly Haynes is a social worker today, but says that moving between her two worlds as a child was always difficult.
“I had to get on a plane,” Kimberly recalled. “There was always a lot of conflict about when I had to leave, versus when I had to come home. It was a very uncomfortable time because the day you arrived was real tense and the day you left was real tense.”
Marquardt's research shows that not only do children of divorce struggle to feel accepted in their two world, they must also sort out conflicting messages about right and wrong.
Marquardt stated, “No one has recognized the huge task handed to kids of divorce, having to grow up making sense of their parent's two different worlds.”
This burden and other painful realities force children of divorce to grow up much more quickly than their peers.
And for many, that growing up means less time to play.
Jeff Williams is an executive and married father of three. He remembers an idyllic childhood with his family. But he also remembers when for him, paradise was lost.
“My father was there one day, and he was gone the next,” Jeff said, “leaving a lawn mower in the garage saying, ‘I guess this will be your responsibility now.’ I remember him calling home from trips -- 'We're visiting castles.' I'm mowing the grass -- a chore I used to have some help with.”
Laura also remembers extra responsibility. “My mom showed me how to do the laundry,” she said. “and from then on I did my laundry. What 7-year-old does their own laundry? I suppose it's common now, but none of my friends did that.”
Thacker's painful childhood eventually led her back to church. Most children of divorce consider themselves as spiritual as their peers, but children of divorce are much less likely to attend religious services as adults.
Marquardt found that for many, stories from the Bible are painful, not helpful.
“If you try to tell children of divorce that God is like a loving father who waits in the doorway like in the story of the prodigal son, the children see themselves in that role, in the role of God. And what a terrifying place to be. You're the stability in your life. You're the strongest power. If you need comfort, you need to turn to yourself,” Marquardt asserted.
Two-thirds of those who regularly attended church say no one from the clergy reached out to them when their parents split up, and two-thirds also say no one from the congregation reached out to them.
Jeff Williams said, “It's not their fault. They didn't know how to engage in these issues. But the majority of the people in church treated us with silence. Our conclusion was that we were part of the shameful plague of divorce, and there was something wrong with us.”
Despite all the difficulties, children of divorce are twice as likely to say that God is the loving father or parent they never had. Anna Humphrey says that God was someone she ran to.
Anna stated, “I remember talking to God deeply. I want to know that you love me. That you're there and that you're real.”
Marquardt, a child of divorce herself, says the losses from childhood continue into adulthood.
For Kimberly, her pain as a child impacts friendships today. She said “Granted I know better as a social worker and as an adult, but there's a huge fear factor. I have a very small circle of friends, and I'm very limited in who I connect with and how much time I spend with people, because I know that can happen.”
It is to adults such as Kimberly, Jeff, Anna, and Laura--and for children like Erin, that Marquardt hopes her work will reach.
Marquardt said, “I think and hope that others will find, when they read this book, as I found when I looked at the study, that it wasn't just them, it wasn't just me. This was a big task, a big burden, and we [handled] it. And now we can talk about it and name it, and it makes you feel less alone.”
CBN IS HERE FOR YOU!
Are you seeking answers in life? Are you hurting?
Are you facing a difficult situation?
A caring friend will be there to pray with you in your time of need.
|
