Dating: The Musical
By Jacob Glassner
The hills are alive with the sound of my thoughts. Asking me about dating is like asking me to expound on the intricacies of nuclear fission or consulting me in the fine art of auto repair. I rarely date. There are many reasons for this: I think too much; I'm brutally honest; I'm not smooth; I'm too picky, and I just don't have any skills… oh, and I'm scared of girls. Other than that, I'm fairly well adjusted. Since I am such a novice at dating, I'll tell you about what I know -- the anguish that I go through in simply trying to ask a girl out.
So let's start at the very beginning (a very good place to start)…
There once was a doe-eyed girl who was very dear to me. I met her through mutual friends, and I thought that after all of my searching, I might have found the one. After much thought, I decided to call her and employ my patented, never fail line.
"Umm…like I was wondering if maybe, I don't know, if maybe we could do something sometime." Pretty good, huh? Surprisingly, even though I created the line back in sixth grade, it has worked every time I've used it. That's been about twice. There are a host of possible responses that run through my mind every time I consider using the line. They begin with the simple.
"Yeah…that would be fun. I'm just really busy." How about a little creativity? Give me a tall tale about a dog bite or a bee sting.
Worse than that, though, is the pronoun reference trick.
"Yeah…WE should do something sometime. We'll have to get everyone together and plan something." Ahhh! Doesn't she know that WE means ME…it's the name I call myself. Or how about the excuse that is common in Christian circles.
"Yeah…I don't date, I only court." That Josh guy who wrote I Kissed Dating Goodbye doesn't realize how much grief he caused his fellow Christian males. He's married now.
Yet another common excuse is the quick subject shift.
"Yeah…I don't know. Hey, what do you think of Bush's foreign policy?" This leaves me with a long, long way to go, but it beats an honest answer.
"No ." Ugh! The most painful word in the language. Proverbs says that an honest answer is like a kiss on the lips -- not in this case.
Finally, there is always the chance that a ray of golden sun could shine down, and she could agree to do something. That is what the doe-eyed beauty did.
"Yes, I'd like that." The words stunned me, and I had to ask for a verbal reconfirmation.
"Yes, what would you like to do?"
"Umm…I don't know."
I've heard that cool guys have dates all planned out in advance. Obviously I'm not one of those guys. I had been so concerned about the who that I had overlooked the what, when, where, and how. The who was the most important part, and the who said "yes." We could go to a theater, the beach, or Wal-Mart at noon, nine, or midnight by train, plane, or automobile, and as long as the who was there, who cares about the other details?
The who cares about details.
…And it brings us back to DOH!
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