The Average American Family: How Does Your Marriage Measure Up?

By Marita Littauer with Chuck Noon, MA, LPCC
Guest Columnist

CBN.com -- Each morning, I drag my body out of bed and after a brief stop in the bathroom, I head for the kitchen. Harley and Triumph—our schnauzers—follow me down the stairs though the kitchen to the door where they wait for me to let them out. I unlock the door and they bound out as if there will be some new and exciting thing that was not there the day before. Lacking their enthusiasm for morning, I trudge back into the kitchen, fill the teakettle and place it on the stove.

While waiting for the water to boil, I dump yesterday’s coffee grounds out of the French press, rinse it and add three scoops of fresh coffee. I select one of my husband’s favorite mugs and pick a tall porcelain cup for my tea, open up the package containing my favorite, and place the bag in the cup.

When the coffee is ready, I fill Chuck’s cup, add some cream and pour the rest of the coffee into a thermal carafe. With his coffee in one hand and my tea in the other, I head back to the bathroom. By now Chuck is in the shower. I hand his coffee in to him. Through the sound of the spray I hear, “Thanks Rabbit.”

While he showers, I wash my face, put in my contacts and put on my make-up. As he dresses, I go back to the kitchen and cook his breakfast—a fresh, hot, real Belgian waffle with bacon or sausage. We eat together while flipping through the selection of morning shows in search of news and carrying on as much conversation as the early hour allows. After rubbing my shoulders in thanks, Chuck leaves for work. I do the dishes. Then I get dressed, feed the dogs, lock up the house and go to work.

If we were an average American family—if there was such a thing—that is what would happen each morning at your house too! However, if you are like most of my girlfriends, you are exhausted just reading about the first hour of my day. If you are like most of my girlfriend’s husbands, you want to move in.

Our morning ritual is what works for us. It is part of the balance that has made our marriage successful over the last 21 years. Chuck says he’ll hurt himself shaving if he doesn’t have coffee first thing in the morning. I am not caffeine dependent so I go get it. His stomach and mental performance need good fuel to function effectively. I like to cook so I make him what he likes. Chuck likes his breakfast so much that he has chosen John 21:12a as his life verse: “Jesus said to them, ‘Come and eat breakfast.’” (NKJV)

My sister and her husband have been married over 25 years. A couple of years ago I visited them for five days. As I observed their life together, I was struck by how different it was from my marriage. Randy makes coffee for both of them while Lauren is still in bed. If breakfast is made, usually Randy does it. Our morning routines are merely a sampling of the differences in our marriages. Their marriage is different, but it too is successful. Over the years they have developed a pattern that works for them with their personalities and their place in life.

After observing my sister’s marriage, I thought about my parents. They were married 50 years at the time of my father’s death.When I stayed in their home or traveled with them, I saw their relationship in action. Their marriage had taken on its own characteristics; they had created a formula that worked for them. My father took care of every little need for my mother to the point that if she called me, he dialed the phone, said hello and then handed the phone off to her. I’d feel suffocated under such circumstances. She felt pampered and special and misses the treatment terribly now that she is alone.

Each of our marriages is different, yet each has stood the test of time—each is successful. Over the years, each of our marriages have developed our own balance. We have created what I like to call an “equilibrium” that works for each individual couple. While this parity brings about a marriage with which each couple is happy, we could not trade places—like the TV program Wife Swap suggests—and expect the same procedures or rituals to work for the other couples as each union is made up of different factors, we put different things on the scale. Likewise, what works for Chuck and me will not automatically have the same results in your marriage. Your marriage needs its own equilibrium.

A few months ago, my sister and her husband visited us. After watching my marriage, I’d guess that my sister wouldn’t want to change places with me. Both Lauren and Chuck would be waiting for someone to bring them their coffee! While Chuck and I have created an equilibrium that works for us, I know most of my friends wouldn’t want my marriage either!

So, if I have a marriage no one would want to replicate, why am I writing a column on marriage? I am writing this not because I am an expert, not because I have the model or perfect marriage, not because I have all the answers. I am writing this because I realize that there is no perfect marriage, no average American family. I am writing this because I understand that each union brings to the table different needs, expectations, backgrounds and personalities that make every marriage unique. As such, no one book or one formula will work for everyone. Each couple needs to find their own equilibrium.

Watch here every other week for each installment of Love Extravagantly. We will look at many of the unique situations that today’s modern marriages encounter and offer practical, biblically based solutions for the problems those in Bible times could never have imagined. A combination of peers and professionals will be with you to offer help and hope for today’s modern marriage. Read on! Much of the lessons learned will apply to your situation and help you love your spouse extravagantly!

If this is the first installment of this column you have read, we encourage you to click here to read the introductory article titled Love Extravagantly.

Marita Littauer Marita Littauer is the author of 13 books and is President of CLASServices Inc. She can be reached through www.classervices.com.

Chuck Noon is a licensed professional counselor specializing in marriage. Chuck is married to Marita Littauer. For more information visit: www.chucknoon.com