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Practicing licensed clinical social worker
Adjunct professor, Wheaton College; former Regent
University professor; former assistant professor, Eastern
Virginia Medical School, Norfolk, Va.
Ph.D., Old Dominion University, Norfolk, Va.
B.A., M.S.W., Western Michigan University, Kalamazoo, Mich.
Married to Norm, 2 children: Matthew and Kaitlyn
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MARRIAGE
Dr. Linda Mintle: Divorce-Proofing Your
Marriage
By The 700 Club
CBN.com -- Dr. Linda Mintle discusses ways to divorce-proof your marriage
in today's culture.
Don't Believe The Lies
"Christian couples have an embarrassing record when it comes to divorce,"
Mintle says. According to Barna Research Group Online one out of four
adults has been divorced.
The divorce rate among both Christians and non-Christians has remained
stable across the past half-decade; and born-again Christians are slightly
more likely than non-Christians to go through a divorce, with 26 percent
of born-agains and 22 percent of non-Christians having gone through divorce
at some time in their life.
"These data are disturbing, especially when you consider Christians have
access to the transforming power of the Gospel," Mintle says.
To avoid becoming a victim of divorce, to prevent it from happening to
you, Mintle says couples must not believe the lies. Lies are seductive
- lies that are birthed in our culture and absorbed into our thinking,
lies that go against the truth of God.
The most damaging lie is: We don't believe that the change needed
to live peacefully and joyfully with our spouse is really possible.
Unbelief is still the worst enemy when it comes to changing the status
quo, fighting habits or dealing with past woundings.
Prepare For Marriage
There are three key guidelines to divorce-proofing your marriage:
1) Take a hard look at yourself. Consider that you could bring baggage
into the marriage. Understand who you are as you begin your marriage.
2) You can't change anyone. Recognize that you have no control over your
spouse's will.
3) Become aware of the spiritual deception along the road to divorce.
Don't forget that marriage is a holy act.
Dividing two people through divorce is an attempt to sever the union
of spirits. To be willing to dissolve a holy tie, you must be deceived.
It's true that many couples need major repair work. Be willing to do everything
you can to repair your current relationship. Divorce only delays the inevitable
work. Mintle notes that there are always the cases of abuse and abandonment
that warrant a different approach.
Know the Truth
Lie 1: Marriage is a contract. A contract can be broken if you're
not happy with the outcome.
Truth 1: Marriage is a covenant designed by God. Start with this
foundational belief. Being in covenant means you are unconditionally committed
to someone. Even if you married them for all the wrong reasons.
Lie 2: I married you, not your family! Don't be nave -- an entire
family system joins you in marriage.
Truth 2: You don't marry only your spouse. You get a package deal.
Families can be powerful systems of intense emotion and loyalty.
Lie 3: I can change my spouse. Big mistake! After 20 years of
watching people try to reinvent their spouse, Mintle knows how wrong this
is.
Truth 3: You can change only yourself.
Lie 4: We are too different.
Truth 4: Incompatibility or differences do not kill a relationship. How
you work out the differences is what counts.
Lie 5: I've lost that loving feeling and it's gone!
Truth 5: That loving feeling can be restored. You must keep the
friendship part of your relationship strong. Focus on the positive. If
you like bike rides, go riding.
Lie 6: A more traditional marriage will save us. Trouble erupts
when we have different ideas about how men and women should behave.
Truth 6: God's intention is gender equality. Most stable marriages
have spouses who treat each other with respect and allow mutual influence.
Lie 7: I can't change. This is who I am. Take it or leave it.
Let's not forget that change is the hallmark of Christian conversion.
An unwillingness to change is rooted in rebellion.
Truth 7: I can change, but it requires desire, obedience and power.
First admit there is a problem. Pray for God to change your heart.
Lie 8: There has been an affair. We need to divorce. Infidelity
is a breach of trust, a breaking of covenant. It goes beyond intercourse
to include physical, emotional, and thought life.
Truth 8: Affairs are serious and damaging, but not beyond repair and
reconciliation. Over 20 years, Mintle has seen many couples put rocky
marriages back together with God's help, forgiveness, and repentance.
Divorce is never commanded or even encouraged in the Bible. But forgiveness
and reconciliation are.
Lie 9: It doesn't matter what I do; God will forgive me. Cheap
grace will buy you a costly divorce.
Truth 9: Receive God's grace with a repentant heart. Stay intimate
with God.
Lie 10: It's too broken. Nothing can fix this relationship.
Truth 10: It's never too late because nothing is impossible with God.
Don't give up. When you feel that you are at the end of the road and
the next stop is divorce, remember who your real enemy is. Seek the Lord
and you will find Him.
Key Points To Remember
Understand who you are as you enter into a marriage. Realize that you
can't change people. You may discover differences but knowing how to successfully
handle conflicts is the hallmark of a stable marriage. Growing apart is
a process that you can change. Just as you grow apart over time, you can
grow closer together with time also.
Remember, the key to divorce-proofing your marriage is to renew your
thinking. Know that cultural lies deceive us. Get back to what the Word
of God says and seek an intimate relationship with Him.
CBN IS HERE FOR YOU!
Are you seeking answers in life? Are you hurting?
Are you facing a difficult situation?
A caring friend will be there to pray with you in your time of need.
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