PARENTING
To Spank or Not to Spank
By Ross Campbell
CBN.com –
There will always be controversy surrounding the form of discipline known as spanking. On balance, we must say that spanking has its good sides and its bad. On the good side, it certainly gets quick results, particularly in the case of young children. It is also quick and available at all times, requiring no thought or planning.
On the negative side, spanking grows less effective as the child grows older. It also decreases in power the more it is used. Overuse breeds negative emotions such as resentment, bitterness, and antiauthority and antiparent mind-sets. Spanking lends itself a bit too well to the hot-tempered mood of the parent, and it moves perilously close to that line where abuse becomes an issue–and we know that abuse is as great an issue in our society as it has ever been. Some opponents argue that spanking simply reinforces the idea of violence in the child, and we can’t simply ignore that possibility–not in a world of growing violence among young people.
While the physical pain of spanking may pass quickly, the emotional mark lasts a long time. It wasn’t long ago that I talked with a man, nearly ninety years old, who admitted that he still suffered deeply over the memories of spankings in his childhood. Brutal spankings, of course, can be known by a more accurate name: beatings. They often cause terrible disruption in the mental and emotional life of a human being.
I have spoken to others who point to their own childhood spankings with a kind of pride—almost a happy memory. These are the people who hold high the banner of corporal punishment. It is my theory that such people, though spanked, were greatly loved by their parents. There was a great abundance of positive nurture in the household. Emotional tanks were filled, and spanking became an extension of love.
But this is almost never the case in the new world before us. In past years, a harsher approach to discipline could work as long as a strong foundation of love was in place. I believe parents no longer have the same range of freedom if they want to raise positivie, emotionally healthy children. What has changed? The social context. Nearly every cultural influence on the parent-child relationship is negative, enticing children to antiauthority, especially antiparent, attitudes. Therefore, discipline is riskier business than it has been in the past. Heavy punishment patterns can be devastating.
Children in general feel less loved in this new, hectic world for many reasons. Their parents are on the go all the time—they themselves are often just busy—and with empty tanks, the spankings create much more resentment than training.
Let’s remember that discipline and punishment are not the same. Discipline is training the child in the way he should go (Proverbs 22:6). The better disciplined (trained) your child is, the less punishment he needs.
But what about those three famous verses? Christian advocates of spanking often cite Proverbs 13:24; 23:13; and 29:15 to clinch their case. The first of these, for example, says, “He who spares the rod hates his son, but he who loves him is careful to discipline him.”
What about that “rod”? Is it strictly an implement of thrashing? We often forget that it was most often used to guide sheep. The rod was held to gently block the sheep from wandering off in the wrong direction. It wasn’t a tool for beating the sheep. After all, “Your rod and your staff, they comfort me” (Psalm 23:4).
At the same time, we may also overlook the countless biblical verses speaking of love, compassion, restraint, gentleness, grace, and avoiding the provocation of our children.
There are times we can effectively—and gently—use spanking as a last resort. I observed a wonderful example a few years ago in the life of my daughter, Carey. Her daughter Cami was only three at the time. Carey worked in the yard as Cami played nearby. Never had Mommy had to use corporal punishment up to this point. She had always found a more positive way to train her child. But today, despite warnings, Cami was interested in playing near or even in the street. Carey called to her, “Cami, could you please stay out of the street, dear? I don’t want you to get hurt!” Obviously she used a request reflecting gentleness and love.
One moment later, Cami was testing the limits. She had wandered back into the street. Her mother used a command: “Cami! Come back here right now! I have asked you to stay out of the street.”
For the third time, Cami wandered into the street, eying her mother warily. Firmly, she said, “I warned you to say out of the street, and I meant every word.” Now she used gentle physical manipulation, taking Cami’s shoulders in her hands and leading her back to the safety of the front yard.
But Cami pushed the issue one step too far. When she ventured near the street again, she received her first spanking—“bottom-line” love. And the message certainly came across for when Daddy arrived home and parked his car, Cami ran out to meet him. “Daddy! Don’t run into the street!” she called urgently.
I’m proud of my daughter’s well-trained training. She used all the right strategies in the right order with the right result. Children can do well with or without spanking. The real issues are a loving household and emotional health and their impact on training.
Can you spank? Yes, if you do so wisely and as a last resort. But you’re likely to discover that as you learn to employ positive strategies, spanking will no longer be an issue.
Message Board: Is it right or wrong to spank your child?
Reprinted with permission. Excerpted from How to Really Parent Your Child by Ross Campbell copyright 2005, W Publishing Group, A division of Thomas Nelson, Inc., Nashville, Tennessee. All rights reserved.
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