BOOK EXCERPT

Raising Children Without Going Insane

By Jane Evans
Whitaker House

Reflections on Motherhood

I lay on my bed and stared in anger and fear at the ceiling above me, my mind in turmoil. I let my emotions take control. Sobs racked my body. I was exhausted, weary to the bone, and under too much pressure for this to happen. I couldn’t go on! No, I didn’t want to go on! This was not the way it was meant to work out! I sobbed again and wished I could turn back time, my mind numb with thoughts of what the future may hold. I wallowed in self-pity. The only thoughts in my head were of survival! I felt as though I was on a twisting rollercoaster ride to nowhere, totally out of control. You know that feeling you get when traveling at breakneck speed in one direction, and all of a sudden, you are whisked around a sharp bend and your body is taken in another direction? It takes a while for the rest of you to catch up! That’s exactly how I was feeling.

You see, I had just found out that I was pregnant. Yes, I was forty years old with two teenage boys. And no, it was not exactly a planned pregnancy (not by us, anyway!). I felt sick in the pit of my stomach and let another sob escape unchecked. I had so many plans, so many things I wanted to do, and none of them included another baby! Then, without warning, I felt a wave of peace and that familiar still, small voice whispered, “Will you do it all again…just for Me?”

I melted. How could I resist? How could I have been so selfish to think this was about me? I dissolved again in another flood of tears, but this time they were tears of surrender, tears that came from someone who knew what she had just been asked to do. This was far bigger than I, far bigger than what I wanted to do with my life. It was about someone else’s life; the precious life created in God’s heart, nurtured in my womb, and entrusted to my care.

Before the foundations of the earth were laid, God knew every detail of this special life he was entrusting to me. He didn’t just see a baby. He saw the man he would become. He knew we would call him Benjamin, meaning “son of my right hand.” I have the sense that, just as Moses blessed the tribe of Benjamin, God whispered His promise over this special life:

The beloved of the Lord shall dwell in safety by Him, who shelters him all the day long; and he shall dwell between His shoulders. (Deuteronomy 33:12)

When it came time for this life to be formed, God scanned the earth with His eyes, asking,
Whom can I trust to shape and mold someone so precious? Who will take this gift I give them, protecting and nurturing him for Me until it is time to release him into the destiny I have planned for him?

His eyes were searching, then they stopped and rested on a weak and selfish woman; a woman who longed to be all she was created to be, but who many times fell short; a woman far from perfect, but who, sensing her complete inadequacy for the task, would call out to God, allowing Him to exchange her weakness for His strength. I surrendered to the task God was calling me to and clung to Him for strength. The only thing that keeps the roller coaster from going into orbit and destroying its occupants is the fact that its wheels are fixed firmly to the tracks. To be honest, I felt like the only thing keeping me from spinning into orbit was the fact that my “wheels” were firmly connected to Jesus.

I hear you saying that I should never have allowed myself to feel so upset. “How could you have even thought, I don’t want to be pregnant?” you might ask. “Just imagine the damage you could have done to your baby even thinking that!” Of course, in my situation, you would have been full of joy and thanksgiving. Your heart would have leapt with gratitude for the opportunity to be pregnant again. So what if there was a thirteen-year gap between your last child and this one? What a wonderful present for your teenagers, right? I heard it all in that first week—well-meaning people saying all those well-meaning things. Many of them were right in their own way, but it didn’t change the fact that I was upset and needed time to work through my emotions without being told it was wrong to feel them.

I knew exactly the kind of commitment, resolve, strength, and determination I would need. As far as I was concerned, I didn’t know where I was going to find it! Nevertheless, God still thought I had it in me, so who was I to argue? I continued to lie on my bed and, as the peace of God settled around me, I reflected on my fifteen years of motherhood. My journey as a mother has been far from perfect, but always rich and profound. God has provided so many opportunities for growth and transformation in my life by trusting me with the task of raising my sons. As my thoughts meandered through so many lessons and experiences, I was reminded that motherhood is a privilege, challenge, heartache, and joy — all at once. Often it seems like plain hard work, but every moment is worth it. Being a mother requires that you share your life in exchange for the insight gained from loving deeply and unselfishly.

It is a risk to commit to paper some of my insights and reflections on motherhood. In writing about motherhood, I am putting both myself and my children under scrutiny. Still, it is a risk I feel compelled to take. I am definitely not the perfect mother. I don’t have perfect kids—trust me, there are plenty of people who would agree with me! So if you are looking for formulas for raising children who behave flawlessly and don’t belch at the dinner table, or if you are looking for ten ways to keep from losing your temper at your kids, then this is probably not the book for you. Rather, if you want to hear about another completely human mother’s journey, lessons I’ve learned along the way, things I’ve done wrong, and things that have worked, then read on.

I do not want to write this book when I am eighty, when my insights seem irrelevant to the generation I am writing for. I look around now and see so many mothers who, like me, through trial and error, are trying their best to do the hardest job on earth. Many of them feel just as I did when discovering that I was to be a mother for the third time — that life has them hurtling along on a roller coaster. It’s okay — you’re not alone!

I hope these reflections will inspire you to parent with confidence, being assured that you have a mandate from God and that you are equipped with everything you need to succeed. You can have a great journey as a mother and enjoy your kids (most of the time, anyway!). You can do what God placed you on this planet to do without compromising your children’s emotional or spiritual health; you can even do all this and still retain your sanity! Besides, God is counting on you to love your kids, because there will be plenty of times when no one else will!

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