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PERSPECTIVES

Coming Out of Ozzie and Harriet's Closet

By Andy Freeman
Guest Writer

 

This isn't going to be easy. Telling the truth seldom is. But here goes: I'm HAPPY.

I can hear the gasps of astonishment and roiling anger already. I know this is far from acceptable in our politically correct society. But I can't help myself. It's not just me. It's my wife, too. She is also extremely HAPPY.

You see, since our chosen type of lifestyle has grown unacceptable in tolerant society, we have been living in Ozzie and Harriet's closet. It seems like every time we tell others about our sexual orientation (opposite genders enjoying "exclusive" sex), our fidelity (twenty years fast approaching), and our desire to remain life partners (good and bad, til death do us ...), people roll their eyes and remark how our HAPPY lifestyle is so "nostalgic," "quaint," and unusual.

With all due respect to the fruits, nuts, and flakes who have taken America's media hostage: I will be silent no longer. Not only am I proud to be part of the HAPPY community, I want the world to know just how HAPPY I am. I'm thinking a few protest marches are in order. A legal defense organization: the AHLU, and an international organization: The HAPPY Liberation Movement.

Maybe some slogans for bumper stickers like:


"Who Got the Hooch? My Freshie, Fresh Wife, That's Who" or
"Adam & Eve Knew the Score" or
"Married People Do It to Death."

I'm feeling better already. My wife and I are so out of the closet now that we've decided to raise our children to be openly "HAPPY." We're going to live our "HAPPY" lifestyle right in front of them and all the world. If they grow up and choose a "HAPPY" lifestyle, so be it. We'll love and support them all the way.

Who knows? Perhaps even Hollywood will take up our cause. The next thing you know, we'll see Tom and Nicole portraying marital fidelity right there on the silver screen "Eyes Barely Open"-- with dolby sound no less!

Maybe Will or Jack will fall for Grace and end up walking the aisle with her (Hey! It could happen, if the show's story editor, John Kinnally, were just a little more open-minded). Or we might even see a wacky reality series on television about the romantic reward and emotional satisfaction of saving your virginity to share with your one, true love: "Survivor".

Calling all "HAPPY" people living quiet lives across America.

It's time to come out of Ozzie and Harriet's closet. Start flaunting your commitment and satisfaction with the ones you love. Let the world know how HAPPY you really are!

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