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A Ministry Leader's Plea for Healthy Holiday Balance

By Kelly Stigliano

Demand a Cake of Peace

The holidays are quickly approaching. I feel my chest tightening and my stomach clenching. It's hard to get my breath and I suddenly feel very tired. It's anxiety. I'm anticipating the stress that comes with the preparations for social gatherings, long car rides to visit family, too many events to attend, and the extra financial burden of showing love in a tangible way.

So I was thinking . . . if I feel this way and I'm not in charge of choosing the perfect cantata, preparing the choir, getting the costumes made and making sure there are enough kids for all the parts in the children's program, how, oh how do the music ministers, children's church directors, choir directors, and other church leaders do it? When do they find time not only to bake their own Christmas cookies, purchase and wrap their own gifts, but time to settle in to read the Christmas story in the gospels, sip mulled cider beside a roaring fire with the family, and wrap themselves in the festive warm, fuzzy feeling? When do they get to enjoy the peace of the season?

Having a "Mary" Christmas in a "Martha" Role

I asked Debbie, who has been a behind-the-scenes "Martha" of the holiday season for decades. As a music teacher in a Christian school, music minister and choir director at churches, and now also a pastor's wife, she has long been in charge of making sure others enjoy the traditional "Mary" Christmas.

Debbie has been the coordinator of cantatas, Christmas Eve services, dinners, programs and more, all focused on not only glorifying God and bringing praise to His Son, Jesus Christ, but also helping to bring the harmony of the season to hundreds, nay thousands, of others throughout the years.

Now empty-nesters, Debbie currently serves with her husband, Chuck as pastors at a church in Bellevue, PA by Pittsburgh. She is also their music minister, choir director and children's choir director. "I have often wondered how 'the rest of the world' celebrates Christmas," she said. "I've been doing this since before I had kids, so I really don't know any other way."

Debbie has long since resigned herself to the realization that she will not be presenting the perfect "Good Housekeeping" Christmas table, complete with nice China and fancy food. "The best way to keep from being too much of a 'Martha' is not having unreasonable expectations," she said. "I did buy a set of Christmas dishes at a garage sale, but they never got out of the attic." So maybe she really has secret wishes for the perfect table after all. Still, Debbie strives to bring the peace of the season into her home for her family, by staying level-headed.

Years before Debbie met Chuck she was a young widow, trying to spin all the metaphorical plates during the holiday season. Keeping the plates spinning atop the tall poles like a circus performer was tough. Being both mother and father and stoking the emotional holiday furnaces of her classes, their families, the congregation and her own family was nearly impossible. To keep those plates from crashing down around her, Debbie gave herself a reality check.

"I gave up on outside lights shortly after I became a single parent and just hung wreaths in the front windows. I would love to have packages that coordinate with the tree decorations, outside lights, and the rest, but it just isn't going to happen."

Practical Tips for Enjoying the Holidays

When we as the families benefitting from the efforts of our church leaders, realize that they often sacrifice their own holiday tranquility for the sake of others, we should "pitch in" to help make their celebrations complete, too. After all, isn't giving to others the heart of the season anyway?

"People from church give us cookies, so I don't bake," Debbie said. However, she does carve out an entire day to join her mother and sister to make the old Italian Christmas favorites.

"A few years ago Chuck and I got an artificial tree, much to the kids' disappointment. But it has lessened the stress tremendously! It's pre-lit and goes together in a flash. Presents get wrapped here and there, whenever I have a spare minute."

Throughout scripture we see Jesus greeting people with, "Peace be with you!" He obviously felt it was possible.

Altering their own traditions can help bring leaders and their families that holiday peace they spread to others. Since taking on the pastorate in Bellevue, Chuck and Debbie have changed things up a bit. "After planning and being involved in the Christmas Eve service, we eat a meal of mostly appetizers served on paper plates. Hey, at least I get Christmas ones with matching napkins! Then we stay up late and open gifts and really have a wonderful time. Everyone sleeps in the next morning and I make blueberry muffins (out of a box). We usually cook a traditional meal later in the afternoon."

She points out that keeping her family in the loop helps. "I will say that things are easier now that the kids are older. Although I don't think they ever had high expectations, I was the one who was trying to be Super-Mom. And even though they didn't have 'normal' holidays, they don't seem any worse for it and turned out quite well, I think!"

What about personally? How do busy leaders keep emotionally grounded during the holidays? Church leader, active mother and Missionary wife, Wendy said, "I schedule time by myself (hopefully weekly) for hot chocolate and reading a Christmas favorite. If I have the time, I give myself a pedicure. Who cares if no one but my husband sees my toes at that time of year – it makes me feel good!"

Keeping Spiritually Healthy

And spiritually? How do these wonder women continue to grow spiritually during this busy time of year? Charlyn, an active business owner and wife of a pastor says she makes appointments with God. "I purpose to be intentional with the days God gives me. I plan my calendar in advance. I ask God to guide my heart as I purposely schedule days or periods of time that are for focusing on God. I guard these times that are scheduled in the midst of the busy Christmas season. Also, I purpose to keep my early morning Bible study consistent no matter what season or how busy I am. This is a bit challenging but God reminds me that I serve HIM, not church programs or other people's expectations."

Charlyn also reformats existing meetings. "I support keeping the church calendar simple by celebrating Christ's birth at the times we are already meeting. This is good for our church members as well!"

Paul said in his letter to the Philippians that they should deny anxiety and think about that which is positive. "Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

"Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things." (Phil. 4:6-8 NIV)

That's advice we should all take to heart. So leaders, stop beating yourselves up about "falling short" during the holidays. Accept simpler holiday traditions. Separate yourself daily to read your Bible and pray. Ask for help. Demand a cake of peace!

Copyright © 2012, Kelly Stigliano. Used with permission.


Kelly J. Stigliano has been a speaker and writer for over 25 years. She and her husband, Jerry enjoy life in Orange Park, FL. A blended family, they have five grown children, and two granddaughters, none of whom live in Florida! To learn more about Kelly, log onto www.kellystigliano.com.

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