The Christian Broadcasting Network

Browse Videos

Share Email

Escaping the Weight of Shame

Police officer Chris Amos had a dirty little secret that pushed him to the brink of suicide. Read Transcript


SHAME, GUILT,

EMBARRASSMENT.

YOU KNOW, I KNEW IT WAS

WRONG.

BORN AND RAISED E IN THE

CHURCH, I KNEW IT WAS

WRONG.

Reporter: JUST ONE LOOK

AT A PORN MAGAZINE, AND

10-YEAR-OLD CHRIS AMOS WAS

HOOKED.

IT GAVE HIM A SENSE OF

POWER, ACCEPTANCE, EVEN

LOVE.

THINGS A BOY UNSURE OF

HIMSELF NEEDED.

AND HERE ARE THE MOST

BEAUTIFUL WOMEN IN THE

WORLD, RIGHT, AND THEY ARE

THERE TO MEET YOU'RE EVERY

NEED.

THEY'RE THERE TO ACCEPT

YOU.

YOU WANT UNCONDITIONAL

LOVE?

LOOK AT PORNOGRAPHY.

Reporter: BUT HE

QUICKLY LEARNED THERE WAS A

FLIP SIDE.

AND AS SOON AS THAT NEED

IS MET, IMMEDIATELY COMES

THE GUILT AND THE SHAME AND

THE -- YOU KNOW, THE

WORTHLESSNESS AND THE

SELF-CONDEMNATION.

INSIDE I WAS JUST

TORMENTED.

INSIDE THERE WAS A

HOPELESSNESS GROWING.

INSIDE I WAS SOMEHOW

RESOLVED TO THE FACT THAT,

WELL, THIS IS MY DESTINY.

THIS IS MY LIFE.

Reporter: AFTER HIGH

SCHOOL, CHRIS JOINED THE

NORFOLK, VIRGINIA, POLICE

DEPARTMENT.

HE ALSO MARRIED ANN MARIE,

AND THEY ATTENDED CHURCH

REGULARLY.

EVEN THEN, HE COULDN'T SHAKE

HIS ADDICTION.

YOU WAKE UP THINKING

ABOUT PORNOGRAPHY.

YOU GO TO BED THINKING ABOUT

PORNOGRAPHY.

YOU GET TO SUCH A PLAYS OF

DISRESPONDSY, WHERE YOU HAVE

NO SELF-WORTH, AND YOU JUST

FEEL LIKE A PERVERT.

Reporter: AT TIMES, HE

TOOK OFF FROM WORK WITHOUT

TELLING HIS WIFE SO HE COULD

FREQUENT THE GO-GO BARS AND

THE ADULT VIDEO STORES.

HE GREW ACCUSTOMED TO LYING

TO COVER HIS TRACKS, UNTIL

HIS FIRST CHILD WAS BORN.

I REALIZED I COULD LIE TO

MY WIFE, I COULD LIE TO MY

COWORKERS.

I COULD LIE TO MY FAMILY AND

PASTOR AND STILL FUNCTION.

BUT WHEN I LOOKED INTO THE

EYES OF MY NEWBORN SON,

SOMETHING JUST -- I CAN'T

LIE TO HIM.

I MEAN, HE DESERVES BETTER.

ANN MARIE CERTAINLY DESERVES

BETTER.

THAT'S WHEN THE FIRST

THOUGHTS OF SUICIDE BEGAN TO

ENTER INTO MY MIND.

Reporter: CHRIS THOUGHT

ABOUT KILLING HIMSELF FOR

WEEKS.

ONE DAY ON A CALL, HE MADE

UP HIS MIND.

I REMEMBER, AS I'M

WALKING INTO THE TOWNHOUSE,

HEARING A GUNSHOT, AND THERE

IS THIS 18-YEAR-OLD YOUNG

MAN WHO HAD JUST SHOT

HIMSELF.

STILL BLEEDING FROM THE SIDE

OF HIS HEAD.

AND THE THOUGHT IS REALLY

CEMENTED -- WELL, THAT

DOESN'T LOOK TOO BAD.

THAT LOOKS PRETTY EASY.

THAT LOOKS PRETTY PAINLESS.

I THINK THAT KIND OF SEALED

THE DEAL, THAT, OKAY, THIS

IS WHAT I'M GOING TO DO.

Reporter: CHRIS WAITED

UNTIL HIS WIFE AND SON LEFT

THE HOUSE.

AND I REMEMBER FIRST

PUTTING IT IN MY MOUTH, AND

THEN TO THE SIDE OF MY

HEAD.

AND WATCHING THIS WHOLE

THING IN THE MIRROR, AND

STARTING TO SQUEEZE THE

TRIGGER, AND THE HAMMER

STARTING TO MOVE BACK.

Reporter: AT THAT

MOMENT, CHRIS HEARD A

VOICE.

AND IT SIMPLY SAID THREE

WORDS: THERE IS HOPE.

THERE IS HOPE.

Reporter: CHRIS PUT

DOWN THE GUN.

HE BELIEVES THE VOICE THAT

STOPPED HIM WAS GOD'S.

THAT WAS JUST ENOUGH

LIGHT, JUST ENOUGH HOPE, TO

PIERCE THAT DARKNESS THAT

HAD BECOME MY LIFE.

Reporter: CHRIS KNEW HE

HAD TO TELL HIS WIFE ABOUT

HIS ADDICTION.

BUT HE DIDN'T KNOW HOW.

SO HE LEFT ADULT VIDEOS OUT

FOR HER TO FIND.

ALL I COULD DO WAS DROP

TO MY KNEES AND JUST PRAY IN

THE NAME OF JESUS.

FIRST OF ALL, THAT YOU WILL

PROTECT MY MARRIAGE, AND

THAT YOU WOULD PROTECT

CHRIS, AND THAT YOU WOULD

HELP ME TO WORK THROUGH THIS

AND LOVE HIM ANY WAY.

Reporter: NOW THAT SHE

KNEW, ANN MARIE KEPT AN EYE

OUT FOR CHRIS.

BUILDING TRUST WOULD TAKE

SOME TIME.

BUT MORE IMPORTANTLY, SHE

PRAYED.

JUST REMEMBER, I WAS

TOTALLY ALONE IN THIS

ADDICTION.

NO ONE KNEW.

SHE WAS THE FIRST PERSON TO

EVER KNOW ON THE FACE OF

THIS EARTH, WHAT I WAS GOING

THROUGH.

SO I GAINED HOPE THROUGH THE

THAT.

Reporter: BUT CHRIS'

JOURNEY TO HEALING HAD JUST

BEGUN.

FIRST HE HAD TO REGAIN HIS

WIFE'S TRUST.

AND THERE WERE TIMES THAT

I MAY HAVE SENSED SOMETHING

WAS UP.

AND I WOULD JUST TELL HIM, I

JUST WANT YOU TO KNOW I'M

PRAYING FOR YOU.

AND YOU'RE GOING TO WIN.

Reporter: WHILE IN

CHURCH ONE NIGHT, HE SAYS

GOD SPOKE TO HIM AGAIN.

IT'S TIME TO STEP OUT

FROM BEHIND THE MASKS, THE

LIES, THE DECEIT, THE

DECEPTION.

SATAN HAS ROBBED YOU OF OVER

HALF OF YOUR LIFE.

IT IS TIME TO PUT AN END TO

THIS.

THERE WAS AN ALTER CALL AT

THE END OF THE SERVICE.

I GRABBED ANN MARIE BY THE

HAND.

WE WENT FORWARD AND I KNELT

DOWN.

AND FOR THE FIRST TIME I

PRAYED, FATHER, FORGIVE ME

FOR THE HELL THAT MY LIFE

HAS BECOME.

THE ONLY WAY I CAN DESCRIBE

IT IS AS IF JESUS CHRIST

WALKED UP AS I'M KNEELING,

KEY IN HAND, PUT IT IN A

PADLOCK, UNLOCKED THIS

PADLOCK, 14 YEARS IN THE

MAKING, AND JUST STARTED TO

UNWIND THIS CHAIN THAT HAD

BECOME MY LIFE.

AND I GOT UP FROM THAT

ALTER, THE FIRST TIME I CAN

REMEMBER NOT FEELING LIKE A

PERVERT.

THE FIRST TIME I CAN

REMEMBER FEELING CLEAN,

FEELING LIKE I WAS WORTH

SOMETHING.

Reporter: CHRIS ADMITS

THAT UNTIL THAT MOMENT, HE

HAD NEVER LET GOD INTO HIS

LIFE, DESPITE YEARS OF GOING

TO CHURCH.

WITH HIS NEW FAITH IN

CHRIST, HE FOUND STRENGTH TO

FIGHT AND OVERCOME HIS

ADDICTION TO PORNOGRAPHY.

NOW MARRIED FOR 27 YEARS, HE

HAS THREE GROWN CHILDREN AND

TWO GRANDSONS.

I AM MORE DEPENDENT ON

THE LORD NOW THAN I WAS, YOU

KNOW, THE NIGHT I WAS SAVED,

THE NIGHT I INVITED CHRIST

INTO MY LIFE.

I'LL NEVER, EVER FORGET MY

PAST.

I WILL NEVER FORGET WHAT GOD

HAS DELIVERED ME FROM, BUT I

DON'T LIVE THERE.

IT SHOULD GIVE ANYONE OUT

THERE HOPE, THAT NO MATTER

WHERE YOU'RE AT, THE PAIN

YOU FEEL IS REAL.

THE LONELINESS, THE

DEVASTATION -- THOSE THINGS

ARE ALL REAL.

BUT THE HOPE OF JESUS CHRIST

IS REAL, TOO.

THE HOPE IN CHRIST IS REAL.

EMBED THIS VIDEO


Log in or create an account to post a comment.  

CBN.com | Do You Know Jesus? | Privacy Notice | Prayer Requests | Support CBN | Contact Us | Feedback
© 2012 Christian Broadcasting Network