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700 Club Interactive: Surviving Step Families – July 7, 2015

How can you blend a family – without losing your mind? Leading expert Ron Deal explains how survive step-families. Read Transcript


Gordon: WELL, WELCOME

TO THE SHOW.

DOMINGO AND IRENE HAVE

GIVEN A WHOLE NEW MEANING

TO THE TERM "FULL HOUSE."

OVER THE PAST 30 YEARS,

THEY'VE FOSTERED 34

CHILDREN AND ADOPTED 17 OF

THOSE.

Terry: THE CHILDREN

COME FROM ALL WALKS OF

LIFE, AND MOST OF THEM

WITH SPECIAL NEEDS, BUT

THE GARCIAS WON'T HAVE IT

ANY OTHER WAY.

TAKE A LOOK.

I'M MAKING A BED FOR MY

DAUGHTER.

ONE OF MY DAUGHTERS, WHO

IS 33 YEARS OLD, IS VERY

SHORT, VERY PETITE, AND

SHE DOES NOT FIT IN A

NORMAL BED.

WE BOTH TALKED ABOUT

NOT ADOPTING A CHILD WITH

BRAIN DAMAGE, BECAUSE THAT

WOULD BE VERY DIFFICULT

FOR US, AND THAT'S EXACTLY

WHAT THEY CALLED US ON.

A LITTLE GIRL, AND THEY

TOLD US SHE MAYBE WOULD

MAKE A YEAR.

AND WE GOT HER AT SIX

WEEKS, AND I BET SHE WAS

ONLY THIS BIG.

AND WE TOOK HER HOME.

AND IT'S AN ADVENTURE WE

STILL LIVE 33 YEARS LATER.

WE COUNTED ABOUT 34

CHILDREN WE'VE FOSTERED,

AND WE'VE ADOPTED ABOUT

HALF OF THOSE.

WE HAVE ADOPTED 17.

THIS IS THE THIRD

GENERATION NOW.

MY BOYS WERE WITH THEIR

DAD, AND THEY BECAME VERY

ATTACHED TO HIM.

AND THEY ACTUALLY LEFT MY

SIDE, AND I WAS ALL ALONE.

I WANTED A DAUGHTER, AND I

COULDN'T HAVE ANYMORE

KIDS.

AND JUST ONE DAY GOD SAID,

WELL, IT'S TIME TO ADOPT.

WHICH WAS SO WEIRD BECAUSE

IN OUR FAMILY, NOBODY

ADOPTED.

THAT'S SOMETHING YOU

DIDN'T DO.

YOU DIDN'T EVEN TALK ABOUT

STUFF LIKE THAT.

AND WHEN THAT BECAME A

THOUGHT IN MY HEART, GOD

JUST BROUGHT IT TO

FRUITION, AND I ASKED

DOMINGO THAT, HOW DID HE

FEEL?

I JUST SAW IT AS A BIG

RESTRICTION.

IT WOULD KEEP US FROM

DOING THE THINGS WE LOVE

TO DO.

NOT KNOWING THE BLESSING

THAT IT WOULD BE.

I'M MAKING THIS SOUP.

IT IS KIND OF A FAMILY

THING.

ESPECIALLY WHEN IT IS

RAINING, WE ALWAYS MAKE

THIS SOUP, AND THE KIDS

LOVE IT.

DEAR LORD, THANK YOU

FOR A FAMILY WHO LOVES ME.

AND THERE ARE

STRUGGLES, BUT WE ALWAYS

SAY, WE'RE THE GARCIAS,

AND WITH CHRIST IN THE

CENTER, NO ONE CAN DIVIDE

US.

THE ONES WE HAVE NOW

ARE MOSTLY FROM DRUG

RAIDS.

THEY'VE BEEN INTRODUCED

AND NEGLECTED, AND MOST OF

THEM WITH SPECIAL NEEDS.

NO MATTER WHAT THEIR NEEDS

ARE, WHAT SITUATION THEY

COME FROM, IF GOD BRINGS

THEM TO MY DOOR AND THEY

CALL AND SAY WE NEED A

MOM, WHOME, WE TAKE THEM IN.

AND GOD HAS HEALED THEM

AND TAKEN CARE OF IT AND

PERFORMED MIRACLES WITH

THEM.

NOTHING HAS EVER BEEN AS

FULFILLING AS WHAT WE'RE

DOING NOW.

IT JUST COMPLETES US.

I CAN'T IMAGINE NOT

HAVING ALL OF THESE KIDS

IN OUR HOUSE.

A LOT OF PEOPLE SAY, HOW

DO YOU DO IT?

AND MY ANSWER TO THAT IS,

HOW DO WE NOT DO IT?

*

Gordon: TERRY, I'VE

GOT TO ASK YOU THAT

QUESTION, THAT IS ROLLING

IN MY HEAD, HOW IN THE

WORLD DO YOU DO THAT?

Terry: WELL, I'M A

PALTRY -- I'M A FRESHMAN

IN THE WHOLE ORDEAL.

Gordon: YOU'RE JUST

GETTING STARTED.

Terry: I THINK IT IS

THE SCRIPTURE.

WHEN GOD CALLS YOU TO

SOMETHING, HE EQUIPS YOU

FOR IT AND GIVES YOU THE

HEART FOR IT.

WHAT IS REALLY INTERESTING

TO ME IS WE'LL REALLY ALL

THE SAME.

WHAT HE EXPRESSED WAS SO

TRUE.

THERE IS A COST INVOLVED

IN IT.

WHAT WE DON'T UNDERSTAND

IS THE BLESSING OF

OBEDIENCE, WHEN GOD CALLS

US TO SOMETHING.

BUT WE ALL HAVE THAT FEAR,

HOW IS THIS GOING TO

CHANGE MY LIFE?

I DON'T HAVE THE CAPACITY

TO DO THIS.

Gordon: I LOVE HIS

HONEST, THIS IS

INCONVENIENT, AND THIS IS

GOING TO KEEP US FROM

DOING THE THINGS THAT WE

WANT TO DO.

AND THEN HE SAID, BUT I

DIDN'T UNDERSTAND THE

BLESSING.

Terry: AND HE WAS

RIGHT, ON BOTH COUNTS.

Gordon: I BET HE

DIDN'T UNDERSTAND THE WORK

INVOLVED, EITHER.

Terry: BUT YOU KNOW

HOW WONDERFUL -- THERE IS

SOMETHING, TO ME, WHEN WE

DO THESE STORIES OF PEOPLE

WHO HAVE DONE WHY THE

GARCIAS HAVE DONE -- IT'S

FAMILY THAT IS WHAT WE'RE

HERE FOR.

IWE'RE NOT HERE TO HAVE THE

RIGHT TITLES OR THE BEST

HOUSE.

IT'S PEOPLE THAT WE ARE

REALLY HERE TO INVEST IN.

Gordon: AND THE MORE

YOU DEVELOP THOSE AND THE

MORE YOU PUT TIME THERE,

THE BETTER OFF YOU ARE.

Terry: EXACTLY.

AND IT'S ALL A REFLECTION

OF HOW MUCH GOD LOVES US.

WELL, BLENDED FAMILIES ARE

BECOMING THE NORM IN OUR

NATION, NOT THE EXCEPTION.

A FEW YEARS BACK, CBN

HOSTED A FATHER'S DAY

CONTEST.

AND THE WINNER WAS FULLER

KING, THANKS TO A

SUBMISSION FROM HIS

DAUGHTER, ASHLEY.

AND ASHLEY IS ACTUALLY

STEWART'S STEPDAUGHTER.

HERE IS THEIR STORY.

Reporter: STEWART

KING RUNS A BUSY, BUT FUN,

HOUSEHOLD IN SOUTHERN

CALIFORNIA.

HE GOT A NICE SURPRISE

WHEN HIS STEPDAUGHTER

ASHLEY ENTERED HIM IN

CBN'S "GREATEST DAD"

CONTEST.

STEWART WON AND GOT A NEW

GRILLER.

ASHLEY'S PRECIOUS FOR

STEWART IS REMARKABLE,

CONSIDERING THEIR EARLY

RELATIONSHIP.

AS A CHILD, ASHLEY'S

BIOLOGICAL FATHER WALKED

OUT.

SO WHEN HER MOM MET AND

MARRIED STEWART, SHE

WANTED NOTHING TO DO WITH

HER STEPFATHER.

I WAS NOT ACCEPTING OF

HIM AND HIS POSITION IN MY

LIFE.

I WAS MORE OF JUST REALLY

HURT BY PAST EXPERIENCES,

AND NOT WILLING TO ACCEPT

SOMEONE ELSE COMING INTO

MY LIFE AS A FATHER

FIGURE.

Reporter: STEWART

KNEW HE HAD A ROUGH ROAD

AHEAD.

I WAS DEALING WITH WALK

NOOG A SITUATIOINTO A SITUATION WHERE I

KNEW ASHLEY WAS NOT GOING

TO WARM UP TO ME.

IT WAS CHALLENGING TO TRY

TO WIN HER OVER AND STILL

BE IN HER LIFE AND

DISCIPLINE HER.

Reporter: STEWART WAS

A CHRISTIAN, AND HE

CONSTANTLY PRAYED FOR

GUIDANCE.

GOD WAS MEETING ME, AND

I RELIED ON HIM HEAVILY.

I COULDN'T HAVE DONE IT

WITHOUT HIM.

Reporter: EVENTUALLY

STEWART'S REVOLVE PAID

OFF.

AS YEARS WENT BY AND

SHE STARTED ACCEPTING ME,

SHE KNEW I WAS GOING TO BE

THERE.

I THINK SHE STARTED

TRUSTING ME.

AS I WAS GROWING UP, I

STARTED REALIZING HOW MUCH

STEWART HAD LOVED US AND

SACRIFICED FOR US AND PUT

OUR NEEDS IN FRONT OF HIS.

Reporter: THAT'S WHY

SHE ENTERED STEWART IN THE

CBN'S "BEST DAD" CONTEST.

Terry: WE HAVE A

WINNER, STEWART KING FROM

FULLERTON, CALIFORNIA.

HIS STEPDAUGHTER SUBMITTED

HIS NAV"WHEN I WAS SEVEN, GOD

BLESSED MY SISTER AND I

WITH A MAN WE CALLED

STEPMAN.

BACK THEN I WAS SO HURT BY

MY BIOLOGICAL DAD, I

COULDN'T EVEN ANY STEPDAD.

BUT HE STILL SACRIFICED

EVERYTHING FOR OUR FAMILY.

HE SHOWED US A LOVE WE

NEVER DESERVED.

I PRAYED EVERY DAY I WILL

ONE DAY BE BLESSED WITH A

HUSBAND JUST LIKE MY

STEPMAN, WHO I AM NOW

HONORED TO CALL MY DAD,

THE BEST DAD I COULD EVER

IMAGINE."

I WAS JUST APPRECIATIVE

THAT SHE WROTE THAT.

AND IT'S WONDERFUL TO HAVE

THAT COME BACK.

IT TOUCHES ME.

IT'S NOTHING I DID.

I JUST KIND OF HUNG IN

THERE AND PRAYED.

Terry: THAT'S SORT OF

THE EQUATION OF THE

SUCCESSFUL PARENT.

I HUNG IN THERE AND

PRAYED.

BUT THIS IS A PRECIOUS

STORY, I THINK, OF WHAT IS

A VERY COMMON STRUGGLE IN

THE LIVES OF PEOPLE TODAY.

AND SO OFTEN I FEEL LIKE,

YOU KNOW, PARENTS MAKE

DECISIONS BASED ON WHAT

THEY FEEL IS BEST FOR THEM

AND THEIR CHILDREN, BUT

CHILDREN ARE KIND OF PAWNS

IN THE GAME, IF YOU WILL.

Gordon: AND PART OF

THAT IS THE IMPACT ON THE

CHILD.

AND THEY'RE WONDERING, DID

I DO SOMETHING?

OR COULD I HAVE DONE

SOMETHING DIFFERENT TO

CHANGE IT?

WHY WAS THERE A SPLIT?

THERE IS A LOT TO HANGING

IN THERE AND PRAYING.

Terry: OH, MY

GOODNESS, YES.

TENACITY IS --

Gordon: AND SAYING,

WE'RE IN IT FOR THE LONG

HAUL AND WE CAN SEE IT

THROUGH.

Terry: BUT WHAT I

LOVE ABOUT THIS STORY,

ALSO, IS HE CHANGED HER IN

A THOUSAND WAYS.

THE MAN SHE LOOKED FOR IN

HER LIFE IS GOING TO BE

DIFFERENT BECAUSE HE

INVESTED HIMSELF IN HER.

Gordon: IF YOU ENJOY

THE STORIES YOU SEE ON OUR

SHOW, WHY NOT SHARE THEM

WITH A FRIEND.

YOU CAN FRIEND US ON

Facebook, OR YOU CAN GO

TO

700clubinteractive.com,

AND THERE YOU'LL FIND

MIRACLE TESTIMONIES,

INSPIRATIONAL STORIES,

DAILY DEVOTIONS AND

TEACHINGS.

AND YOU CAN ALSO SEND US

PRAYER REQUESTS AND ANY

QUESTION YOU WOULD LIKE TO

SEE ANSWERED ON THE SHOW.

LOG ON, BE INVOLVED.

WE ARE "700 CLUB

INTERACTIVE" BECAUSE WE

WANT TO INTERACT WITH YOU.

Terry: BE TENACIOUS,

RIGHT?

Gordon: HANG IN THERE

AND PRAY.

Terry: STILL TO COME,

A CHILD OF TWO DRUG

ADDICTS IS FORCED TO FEND

FOR HIMSELF AT JUST FOUR

YEARS OLD.

> AND LATER, WE'RE GOING

TO BE TALKING TO THERAPIST

AND AUTHOR ROD DEAL, AND

WE'RE GOING TO BE

ANSWERING YOUR QUESTIONS

ON STEPFAMILIES, SO DON'T

GO AWAY.

Gordon: CBN'S

"ORPHANS' PROMISE"

PROVIDES HOMES FOR

THOUSANDS OF CHILDREN

AROUND THE WORLD.

LIKE DENNIS, WHO WAS LEFT

TO CARE FOR HIMSELF AT

JUST FOUR YEARS OLD.

Reporter: DENNIS

LOVES PLAYING WITH HIS

BROTHER, BUT HIS LIFE

WASN'T ALWAYS THIS HAPPY.

HIS BIRTH PARENTS WERE

DRUG ADDICTS, WHO PAID

LITTLE ATTENTION TO THEIR

SON.

MY MOTHER DIDN'T CARE

ABOUT ME, AND NOBODY FED

ME.

I DIDN'T HAVE A BED.

I CRIED A LOT.

Reporter: SOCIAL

SERVICES EVENTUALLY

RESCUED DENNIS, AND TOOK

HIM TO "FATHERS HOUSE," A

CHRISTIAN ORPHANAGE

SUPPORTED BY "ORPHANS'

PROMISE."

HE WAS FRIGHTENED.

HE HID FOOD AND HAD A HARD

TIME GETTING ALONG WITH

OTHER KIDS.

BUT WE LOVED HIM AND

WORKED WITH HIM.

AND OVER TIME HE BEGAN TO

CHANGE.

THEY TOOK CARE OF ME

AND FED ME.

AND I HAD MY OWN BED.

THAT WAS NICE.

THEY ALSO TAUGHT ME HOW TO

PRAY.

I STARTED ASKING GOD TO

GIVE ME A MOM AND DAD WHO

WOULD BE NICE TO ME.

Reporter: AROUND THAT

TIME, LUDA AND NISHA, WHO

BOTH WORK FOR "ORPHANS'

PROMISE," SAW A PICTURE OF

DENNIS ON A BROCHURE.

I KNEW IMMEDIATELY THAT

THIS LITTLE BOY NEEDED TO

BE IN OUR FAMILY.

THE FIRST TIME WE MET HIM,

HE RAN TO NISHA, AND THEN

HE WAS FILLED WITH JOY AND

WE KNEW HE WAS OURS.

Reporter: THANKS TO

"FATHERS HOUSE" AND

"ORPHANS' PROMISE," DENNIS

FOUND A NEW FAMILY THAT

LOVES HIM.

HE NEEDED US, BUT NOW I

REALIZE THAT WE NEEDED

HIM, TOO.

THIS IS THE HAPPIEST I

HAVE EVER BEEN.

I HAVE A FAMILY AND I'M

VERY THANKFUL FOR THAT.

Gordon: IF YOU WANT

TO HELP ORPHANS, IF YOU

WANT TO HELP FAMILIES WHO

ARE STRUGGLING, IF YOU

WANT TO BE A PART OF THIS,

REACHING OUT WITH HANDS OF

LOVE, ALL YOU HAVE TO DO

IS GIVE TO "ORPHANS'

PROMISE." THERE IS A PLACE

ON THE WEBSITE WHERE YOU

CAN DESIGNATE YOUR GIFT.

ALL YOU HAVE TO DO IS GO

TO

700clubinteractive.com,

OR YOU CAN CALL US,

1-888-777-1999.

JUST SAY, I WANT TO GIVE A

GIFT TO "ORPHANS'

PROMISE." I WANT TO HELP

THOSE WHO ARE IN NEED.

AND IF THAT'S YOU, GIVE US

A CALL.

1-888-777-1999.

TERRY?

Terry: WELL, ARE YOU

AND YOUR SPOUSE STRUGGLING

WITH A BLENDED FAMILY?

DON'T WORK HARDER; WORK

SMARTER.

I AM AN ADVOCATE FOR

HEALTHY STEPFAMILY LIVING.

WE'VE GOT TO HELP THEM DO

IT WELL.

Terry: AUTHOR RON

DEAL SHARES HIS KEYS TO

STEPFAMILY SUCCESS, RIGHT

AFTER THIS.

Terry: NEARLY

100 MILLION AMERICANS HAVE

AT LEAST ONE STEP-RELATIVE

IN IN THEIR FAMILY, AND

50% OF CHILDREN WILL HAVE

STEPPARENTS AT SOME POINT

IN THEIR LIFE, 50%.

THESE BLENDED FAMILIES CAN

BE A CHALLENGE, AND THEY

CAN COME WITH A WHOLE LOT

OF BAGGAGE.

TAKE A LOOK.

Reporter: BRINGING UP

KIDS IS HARD ENOUGH, BUT

PARENTS OF BLENDED

FAMILIES DEAL WITH A

DIFFERENT SET OF

FRUSTRATIONS.

AS AN AUTHOR AND LICENSE

MARRIAGE AND FAMILY

THERAPIST, RON DEAL IS

RECOGNIZED AS ONE OF THE

LEADING EXPERTS ON

STEPFAMILIES.

I AM AN ADVOCATE FOR

HEALTHY STEPFAMILY LIVING.

WE'VE GOT TO HELP THEM DO

IT WELL.

Reporter: IN HIS

LATEST BOOK "THE SMART

STEPFAMILY MARRIAGE," HE

PROVIDES HEALTHY SOLUTIONS

FOR BUILDING A REMARRIAGE

THAT LASTS.

Terry: JOINING ME NOW

IS AUTHOR AND FAMILY

THERAPIST RON DEAL.

AND IT IS GREAT TO HAVE

YOU WITH US.

THANK YOU.

Terry: WITH THE

STATISTICS THAT WE TALKED

ABOUT, WE DO HAVE TO HELP

THEM.

BECAUSE THIS HAS AN IMPACT

ON OUR CULTURE IN EVERY

WAY.

IT DOES.

Terry: TALK A LITTLE

ABOUT BLENDED FAMILIES AND

REMARRIAGE, BECAUSE

WHETHER THE PERSON HAS

DIED OR THE OTHER

BIOLOGICAL PARENT IS STILL

OUT THERE IN ANOTHER

CAPACITY, THERE ARE

CHALLENGES TO THIS FOR

BOTH THE PARENTS AND THE

CHILDREN.

YES, THERE ARE.

COUPLES HAVE TO BE ABLE TO

NEGOTIATE THEIR NEW COUPLE

RELATIONSHIP AND DO THAT

WELL.

WHAT THEY OFTEN

UNDERESTIMATE IS HOW THE

CHILDREN AND THE THINGS

GOING ON AROUND THEIR

MARRIAGE IS GOING TO

IMPACT THEIR RELATIONSHIP.

SO IT IS JUST NOT ABOUT

MARRIAGE.

IT IS ABOUT PARENTING AND

STEPPARENTING, AND

EX-SPOUSES, IF THERE IS

ONE.

AND ALL OF THOSE THINGS

REALLY CONTRIBUTE.

Terry: ALL AT THE

SAME TIME.

ALL AT THE SAME TIME.

Terry: WOW, THAT'S A

RECIPE.

YEAH.

Terry: BUT TALK ABOUT

THE CHILDREN IN THIS.

BECAUSE I THINK VERY OFTEN

IN A NEW MARRIAGE, THE

COUPLE IS REAL U UPBEAT AND

HAPPY, AND THE CHILDREN

ARE SOMETIMES FILLED WITH

RESENTMENT.

AT THE POINT OF THE

WEDDING, HERE IS WHAT

COUPLES REALLY NEED TO

UNDERSTAND.

AT THE WEDDING, THE GAP

BETWEEN WHERE THE ADULTS

ARE AND THE CHILDREN ARE

IS OFTEN THE WIDEST IT

WILL EVER BE.

THE ADULTS ARE HAPPY, THEY

HAVE GAINED A PARTNER, A

LOVER, A CAMPAIGN YON, AND COMPANION, AND

THE CHILDREN ARE FIGURING

OUT, HOW DO I RELATE TO

THIS NEW PERSON.

I HAVE STEPSIBLINGS.

AND WHAT DO I DO WHEN MY

STEPSISTER COMES IN AND

BAR ROSBORROWS MY SHIRT WITHOUT

ASKING.

AND IT IS DIFFICULT.

THE ADULTS ARE OFTEN

EXCITED, AND THEY CAN'T

UNDERSTAND WHY THE KIDS

ARE CONFUSED.

IT IS NOT THAT THE KIDS

ARE NOT EXCITED OR AGAINST

IT, BUT THEY'RE CONFUSED

ABOUT IT.

THEY WANT TO KNOW THEIR

PLACE AND TO MAKE SURE

THEY'RE NOT FORGOTTEN.

Terry: HOW DO

BIOLOGICAL PARENTS,

WHETHER IT IS THE ONE

LIVING WITH THE CHILD OR

THE ONE NO LONGER LIVING

WITH THE CHILD, KEEP THAT

RELATIONSHIP HEALTHY?

REALLY, WE HAVE TO BE THE

GROWNUPS THAT WE'RE

SUPPOSED TO BE IN THE

SETTING, AND YET SO OFTEN

IF DIVORCE IS INVOLVED,

THERE ARE A LOT OF

UNDERCURRENTS HAPPENING

THERE.

HOW DO WE HELP THE

CHILDREN STAY EMOTIONALLY

HEALTHY IN ALL OF THIS?

ONE OF THE THINGS I

WANT ADULTS TO UNDERSTAND,

ESPECIALLY BIOLOGICAL

PARENTS, IS YOUR NEED FOR

YOUR CHILDREN TO EMBRACE

YOUR SPOUSE AND THE NEW

MARRIAGE AND THE

STEPPARENT IS YOUR NEED.

YOU NEED TO GET OUTSIDE OF

YOUR NEEDS AND ENTER INTO

THEIR WORLD AND BE

COMPASSIONATE AND

UNDERSTANDING.

AND JUST SAY, YOU KNOW, I

GET IT.

THIS IS HARD.

THERE IS A WHOLE LOT GOING

ON FOR YOU.

AND YOU KIND OF FEEL LIKE

YOU'VE LOST ME.

OF COURSE, YOU HAVEN'T,

BUT THAT MEANS YOU HAVE TO

SHARE ME WITH STEPSIBLINGS

OR A STEPPARENT.

IF YOU ENTER THAT WORLD,

GIVE THEM SOME HEART AND

COMPASSION AND GRACE.

IT ACTUALLY HELPS THEM,

OVER TIME, BEGIN TO ADJUST

AND SETTLE IN AND EMBRACE

THE NEW FAMILY.

Terry: WHAT WOULD YOU

SAY TO A CHILD WHO IS

STRUGGLING WITH A

STEPPARENT?

I WOULD SAY, I GET IT.

THIS IS HARD.

YOU REALLY LOVE BEING WITH

YOUR MOM OR YOUR DAD, AND

NOW LIFE IS DIMPT.

DIFFERENT.

AND NOW LIFE IS DIFFERENT,

AND YOU DIDN'T ASK FOR

THIS ONE, THE SAME WAY YOU

DIDN'T ASK FOR A DIVORCE

OR FOR ONE OF YOUR PARENTS

TO PASS AWAY.

I WOULD JUST INVITE THEM

TO SEE THE POSSIBILITIES.

Terry: YOU SAY THAT

YOU THINK STEPDADS ARE

HEROS.

AND WE SAW THAT IN

ASHLEY'S STORY EARLIER.

THE IMPACT THAT THIS MAN

WHO JUST STAYED THE COURSE

HAD ON HER LIFE.

TELL US WHY YOU THINK

THEY'RE HEROS?

I THINK STEPDADS AND

STEPMOMS ARE HEROS, IN THE

SAME WAY ADOPTED PARENTS

ARE HEROS.

WHEN YOU STEP INTO A

PLACE, A ROLE, THAT IS NOT

YOURS, YOU HAVE NO

OBLIGATION, YOU HAVE NO

REQUIRED RESPONSIBILITIES,

AND YET YOU CHOOSE LOVE.

I THINK THAT IS MARVELOUS.

I THINK THAT IS WONDERFUL.

JUST BECAUSE YOU HAVE GOOD

INTENTIONS AND CHOOSE LOVE

DOESN'T NECESSARILY MEAN

THAT THAT WILL IMMEDIATELY

BE RECIPROCATED.

IT MAY TAKE SOME TIME.

BUT LIKE WITH STEWART, THE

STORY YOU TOLD EARLIER, HE

HUNG IN THERE, AND THAT'S

HALF THE BATTLE, HANGING

IN THERE AND BEING

PERSISTENT.

Terry: YOU TALK

ABOUT, IN YOUR BOOK, "THE

SMART STEPFAMILY

MARRIAGE," FOUR

CHALLENGING ISSUES THAT BE

CAN A PART OF

STEP-RELATIONSHIPS.

THERE IS JEALOUSY,

SUSPICIOUS, WORRY, AND

FEAR.

IN THE BOOK, WE TALK

ABOUT IT FROM THE VANTAGE

POINT OF COUPLES IN THEIR

MARRIAGE RELATIONSHIP.

BUT, HONESTLY, IT APPLIES

TO EVERYBODY.

CHILDREN ARE FEELING SOME

JEALOUSY.

THEY'RE FEELING DISPLACED

ON SOME LEVEL, ESPECIALLY

AT THE BEGINNING.

OVER TIME THAT DIMINISHES.

BUT IN THE BEGINNING

THEY'RE FEELING DISPLACED.

FOR COUPLES, IT IS THE

FEAR OF, IS OUR MARRIAGE

GOING TO MAKE IT.

WILL I BE ACCEPTED AS THE

STEPPARENT?

DO YOU PRIORITIZE YOUR

CHILDREN MORE THAN YOU

PRIORITIZE OUR MARRIAGE?

THOSE KINDS OF FEARS FEED

IN DISCONTENT.

Terry: AND SOMETHING

YOU MENTIONED THAT I

DIDN'T THINK ABOUT TOO

MUCH WHEN I THINK ABOUT

STEP FAMILIES, BUT IT IS A

CHALLENGE IN THE MARRIAGE

RELATIONSHIP, FEARS FEARING

COMPARISON TO THE PREVIOUS

SPOUSE.

SO YOU'VE GOT ALL OF THESE

COMPONENTS GOING ON IN THE

FAMILY.

SO HOW DO WE BALANCE THIS?

BECAUSE ISN'T BALANCE WHAT

YOU NEED TO BRING TO THIS?

BALE AND DETERMINATION.

TO BE HONEST, RAW

DETERMINATION.

LIKE MOSES AND THE

ISRAELITES LEAVING EGYPT.

WE'RE GOING TO GET TO THE

PROMISEEPROMISED LAND, BUT IT TOOK

LONGER THAN THEY FELT.

AND SO YOU MAY FEEL

YOURSELF IN THE WILDERNESS

RIGHT NOW, BUT DON'T QUIT

WALKING AND TRUSTING.

DON'T GO BACK TO EGYPT.

THE ISRAELITES WERE

TEMPTED TO LOOK BACK TO

EGYPT.

THERE IS NOTHING THERE.

YOU HAVE TO KEEP GOING

FORWARD, TRUSTING GOD.

AND THE REWARDS FOR

STEPFAMILIES DO COME, BUT

THEY TEND TO COME AT THE

END OF THE JOURNEY, AND

NOT SO MUCH AT THE

BEGINNING.

SO RAW DETERMINATION IS

IMPORTANT.

Terry: IN OUR CULTURE

TODAY, I THINK WE HAVE

LOST SOME OF THAT RAW

DETERMINATION, AS

STATISTICS WOULD SHOW.

AND REALLY HAVING JUST HAD

A DAUGHTER WHO WAS MARRIED

THIS PAST WEEKEND, AND YOU

HEAR THOSE VOWS SPOKEN,

AND YOU THINK GOD SEALED

THAT IN THEIR HEARTS

BECAUSE THAT DETERMINATION

IS THE ONLY THING,

SOMETIMES, THAT GETS YOU

THROUGH WHAT SEEMS

IMPOSSIBLE.

THAT'S ABSOLUTELY TRUE.

COMMITMENT IS EXCEEDINGLY

IMPORTANT IN OUR CULTURE.

ESPECIALLY IN

RELATIONSHIPS.

PEOPLE ARE AFRAID OF

MAKING THE COMMITMENT,

MAKING A PROMISE.

SO THEY'RE CHOOSING TO

ENTER A RELATIONSHIP

HALF-HEARTED, WHERE THEY

ARE THERE, BUT THEY'RE NOT

REALLY THERE.

AND THAT DOESN'T REALLY

TAKE YOU INTO MARRIAGE.

YOU DON'T KNOW WHETHER YOU

CAN SWIM AS A COUPLE

UNLESS YOU DIVE INTO THE

DEEP END.

SITTING ON THE EDGE OF THE

POOL AND PUTTING YOUR TOES

IN THE SHALLOW END DOESN'T

TELL YOU IF YOU'RE GOING

TO MAKE IT OR NOT.

COMMITMENT IS THE THING

THAT SAYS, I'M IN 100%,

AND WE'LL FIGURE IT OUT.

WITH GOD'S HELP, WE WILL

FOGGY IFORGETFORGIVE IT OUT.

WE'RE GOING TO DIVE IN

DEEP.

Terry: WE'RE IN FOR

THE LONG HAUL.

I WANT YOU TO KNOW THE

BOOK IS AWESOME.

IF YOU ARE STRUGGLING IN

ANY CAPACITY, THIS IS NOT

REALLY JUST A BOOK FOR

STEPFAMILIES.

IT IS FOR ALL OF US WHO

ARE MARRIED AND HAVE

FAMILIES.

THE BOOK IS CALLED "THE

SMART STEPFAMILY

MARRIAGE," AND IT IS

AVAILABLE WHEREVER BOOKS

OR SOLD.

WE ARE "700 CLUB

INTERACTIVE," AND WE WANT

TO INTERACT WITH YOU.

SO LET'S GO OVER TO

JESSICA AND CHAT.

WE'VE HAD LOTS OF

QUESTIONS THAT HAVE COME

IN ON OUR Facebook PAGE.

TONY WRITES, "I AM

REMARRIED AND I HAVE TWO

STEPDAUGHTERS.

I TRY TO BE THE BEST DAD I

CAN BE, BUT THEY ARE SO

RUDE AND DISRESPECTFUL,

AND SAY THINGS LIKE,

YOU'RE NOT MY DAD.

THEIR DAD IS NOT IN THEIR

LIFE, SO I REALLY AM THEIR

ONLY FATHER FIGURE.

WHAT CAN I SAY OR DO THAT

WILL GET THEM TO SEE THAT

AND STOP BEING SO

HURTFUL?"

RON?

IT'S A GOOD QUESTION.

UNFORTUNATELY, IT IS A

COMMON QUESTION I HEAR

FROM STEPPARENTS.

Terry: AND A COMMON

COMMENT FROM A CHILD.

YES.

LET ME TELL HIM THIS -- I

WOULD SUGGEST A FEW

THINGS.

NUMBER ONE, I WOULD SAY

I'M SORRY.

I'M SORRY THAT YOU FEEL

REJECTED.

AND THAT THEY HOLD YOU AT

BAY.

THAT'S A HARD JOURNEY.

DON'T LET IT DEFEAT YOU.

STAY IN THE GAME.

AND THAT'S NUMBER TWO.

YOU'VE GOT TO BE

PERSISTENT.

YOU JUST HAVE TO PERSIST

AND CONTINUE TO PURSUE

THEIR HEART.

HERE IS THE WISDOM IN

NUMBER THREE: YOU CAN ONLY

PURSUE TO THE DEGREE THAT

THE CHILD IS OPEN TO YOU.

AND SO IF YOU PUSH TOO

HARD, THEN THE WALL COMES

UP STRONGER.

BUT IF YOU'RE RELAXED, IF

YOU LET THEM TAKE YOU

WHERE -- LET THEM SET THE

PACE AND MEET THEM THERE.

IT MAY NOT BE MUCH, AND IT

MAY NOT FEEL LIKE IT IS

GREAT, BUT IT IS WHAT YOU

HAVE TODAY, AND THEN YOU

CAN BUILD ON THAT SLOWLY

OVER TIME.

Terry: OKAY.

ANOTHER QUESTION FROM

JESSICA.

SURE.

WE'VE GOT ANOTHER ONE IN

FROM SAMANTHA.

SHE SAYS, "I HATE THE WORD

STEPFAMILY, STEPKIDS OR

STEPMOM.

IS IT WRONG OR DECEIVING

NOT TO USE THOSE WORDS AND

JUST SAY FAMILY AND

INTRODUCE YOUR KIDS AS

YOUR KIDS AND NOT

STEPKIDS."

RON?

IT'S ALL IN A NAME.

IT IS ABOUT THIS WHOLE

EXAMPLE.

WHAT THIS COMES DOWN TO

IS, YES, USE THE WORD

FAMILY.

USE THE WORD THAT FITS FOR

YOU.

BUT PLEASE UNDERSTAND THAT

THE WORDS THAT ADULTS USE

ARE DIFFERENT FROM WORDS

CHILDREN USE.

FOR CHILDREN IT IS VERY

CLEAR WHERE THE

STEPRELATIONSHIPS ARE AND

WHERE THEY ARE

NOT.

SHE WANTS HER FAMILY TO BE

ONE, AND THAT MAKES ALL OF

THE SENSE IN THE WORLD.

THAT'S GREAT, AND USE THE

TERM THAT IS COMFORTABLE

FOR YOU, BUT REALIZE OTHER

PEOPLE MAY USE A DIFFERENT

TERM.

Terry: AND SOMETIMES

IT IS NOT COMFORTABLE FOR

THE CHILD IF THEY'RE IN A

DIVORCE SITUATION AND THE

BIOLOGICAL PARENT THAT IS

OUT OF THE HOUSE IS VERY

STRONGLY IN THEIR LIVES.

IT GETS ALL MIXED UP FOR

THEM.

YOU CAN'T FORCE

YOURSELF INTO A PLACE IN A

CHILD'S HEART, AND IF YOU

TRY, YOU'RE PROBABLY GOING

TO GET RESISTANCE.

EMBRACE HOW THEY THINK OF

YOU TODAY AND GROW FROM

THERE.

Terry: LIKE I

MENTIONED EARLIER, RON'S

BOOK IS CALLED "THE SMART

STEPFAMILY MARRIAGE."

IT IS AVAILABLE WHEREVER

BOOKS ARE SOLD.

I HIGHLY RECOMMEND IT.

RON ALSO HOSTS NATIONWIDE

CONFERENCES FOR

STEPFAMILIES.

IF YOU WOULD LIKE MORE

INFORMATION ON ONE NEAR

YOU, GO TO

www.smartstepfamilies.com.

THANK YOU FOR BEING WITH

US.

THANK YOU FOR HAVING

ME.

Terry: AND THANK YOU

FOR JOINING US AS WELL ON

"700 CLUB INTERACTIVE."

EMBED THIS VIDEO


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