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Prostitute Yearns to Forgive Herself

Alone and addicted to drugs, Pam turned to prostitution to survive. She received meals from a church ministry and heard the gospel, but didn't break out of her dangerous lifestyle until a supernatural vision appeared to her with a message. Read Transcript

I ran away from home when I was 14.

I ended up getting raped.

And then I came back home.

But I didn't tell my mother because her response

would be, that's what you get for running away from home.

My mother saw a mirror image of herself in me.

So when she would look at me, she

would see things of her past in me.

But she wouldn't know how to fix it, so she would just get mad.

I wasn't experiencing any kind of a real love.

Because I hadn't ever had real love.

I always just had this imitation of love

that it had a requirement to it.

As I was growing up I would learn

to try to please her, make her happy.

So I learned how to put on different masks.

I learned how to get attention by acting stupid.

I learned to drink to cover my pain just like she did.

That was a role model I had to teach me things.

Later on I'd have kids, thinking,

well, if I had kids then I could have someone to love on

and someone to take care of and that would make my life better.

I didn't realize I was going to do the exact same thing to them

that was done to me.

I'd start going drinking more and start

disappearing a few days here.

And next thing you know it's months at a time.

And then it just got to the place

to where I just didn't even go pick my kids no more.

I just thought that I guess they'd be better off if I just

didn't go get them at all.

So that's where a lot of guilt-- that's

where I started doing drugs.

Just stuff to keep me going so I didn't have to ever feel.

One day I called my friend to tell her to go pick up

my two little kids from school.

Instead she call CPS.

And so CPS came and they took my kids.

I'm really hating myself more than ever.

I just really felt very worthless.

That's where I started hitting the streets.

Living on the streets is very hard, especially being a woman.

I mean, I've had guns pointed at me, I've been left for dead.

If I got raped, oh well, I shouldn't have been out here.

This is just another part of my journey.

This is my fault, because I abandoned all my kids

and this is what I get for it.

This is a payment that I'm going to have.

When I was coming to Beautiful Feet

I came here for one reason, that was to sleep and to get

something to eat.

Coming up to the church, you know, I'd

look at the Bible and stuff.

And then I'd go back out on the streets

and I would do the exact same thing.

And it was like this yo-yo of life

that I lived in for nine years.

When I went to jail that night for prostitution

I just knew in my heart there was

something different happening.

I was sitting in a jail cell and I was reading John 8:3 11.

The Word was telling me how a woman was caught in adultery

and how the Pharisees was wanting to come in

and slam dunk her on the floor, you know?

And like, what are you going to do with this woman?

You know, she's done this, this, and that.

I looked down on the ground and I saw the Angel

of the Lord knelt down there.

He was writing not guilty.

He didn't look at me.

He didn't talk to me.

He just was knelt down on the ground.

God was redeeming me that night.

He was cleansing me.

And just his presence was enough to change my life forever.

After I got out of jail I got discipled.

And I realized that I hadn't forgiven

a lot of things in my life.

I could forgive others, but it was so hard to forgive me.

God taught me how to deal with Pam

and how to live in my own skin and to walk

this walk with Jesus.

And then before my mother passed away,

all the ugliness was going away.

I could see her as a mom.

I had nothing but brokenness and darkness

in my heart to give him.

As I poured it out to him, he poured himself into me

and he gave me himself.

His Word tells me he'll never forsake me.

And he also says my mother and father will forsake me,

but He will hold me in His right hand.


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