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Jay Lowder

A boy on the verge of suicide dies to himself and finds new meaning in life - sharing the One who redeemed with the World. Read Transcript

- 21 years of age, Idecided to end my life.

I was a dropout of college,and lost my girlfriend.

And my job and my car,a lot of depression,

a lot of anxiety, Icontemplated taking my life

for quite some time.

I hated who I was.

One afternoon I woke upabout 12:30 and I decided

this is it, life is justno longer worth living,

I'm gonna end my life.

I took the 22 caliper pistolthat I kept underneath

my sofa, we were in apretty rough part of town.

And took it out andloaded all nine shells.

I cocked back the hammer,I pulled the gun up.

I can still remember the barrel,

because my hand was shaking,

tapping the right side of my temple.

And I lowered my headdown between my legs,

and began to squeeze on the trigger.

As I'm squeezing thetrigger, I hear somebody pull

up on the gravel driveway outside.

I had a room mate whoworked for his father,

and he never came home on lunch break,

and so I rushed back over to the sofa,

disengaged the hammer,turned on the television,

wiped the tears off my eyes and just tried

to pretend like everything was okay.

And he walks in the door, and I said,

"man, what are you doing home?",

but he said, "man, my dadcame up to me and said

"why don't you take the second half

"the day off and I'll pay you anyway,

"you've been working really hard."

And I'm thinking, this isthe biggest coincidence.

A few weeks later he came home one night

and he said, I gave mylife to Christ tonight.

Oh, c'mon man, really?

I mean you're from California, I've known

you my whole life, I've been to church,

I've been there, done that, it's not real.

And I know you, and I'm telling you within

two weeks, we'll be back at the bar,

if you make it that long.

But man, I'm telling youwhat, it was a change.

I've never seen somebody socompletely turned around.

Disobeyed her, my motherhad seen a commercial

where there was a guy who wasgonna be visiting our city,

doing a multi church event.

And the end of the commercial was this guy

talking about his suicide attempt.

A few weeks later, aroundcame this big event.

I walked in, I decided to goin, I walked in the balcony.

I grew up in church, so I'veheard Jesus died on the cross,

and rose from the grave,and honestly, big deal.

But he went in to greatdetail, it was unlike,

even sitting here talking about it,

it was unlike anything I've ever heard.

Because it was sodetailed, it was so crisp,

it was so real thatwhen he told the story,

it was like I was watching thestory, spitting in his face.

Ripping off this beard, andbeating a driving six inch

spikes in his hand, and nineinch spikes in his feet.

And he got to the end and he said,

he quoted this verse of John 3:36, he

that has the Son has life,he who does not have the son,

does not have life, butthe wrath of God is on him,

and I'm like, that's me.

I mean I'm living, but I'mdying, I don't have a life.

I have an existence, it was like

I'd been hit with a javelin.

I just knew at that moment,I realized that I was guilty

of the murder of Jesus Christ.

It was me that had crucified him,

it was me that hit himwith a cat and high tails.

It was me that had cleared mythroat and spit in his face

and said you're a phony.

At that moment, morethan anything in my life,

to this day, I've neverwanted anything the way

I wanted to know Him.

I've had religion, but I'venever had a relationship.

I've had stories, but I'venever really had the son.

Nothing tonight is gonnakeep me away from Christ.

When I finished praying, it was peace.

Peace was a big deal whenyou sit there day after day

thinking about blowing your brains out.

And then out of nowhereyou experience peace,

it's worth everything.

I wanted immediately to take this healing,

this forgiveness, this rescue, and provide

it as an option to other people.

I was walking the streets,an unknown guy talking

to prostitutes and homeless people,

and addicts, and whinos.

The local salvation army,they gave me a slot,

I was preaching there all the time,

but in the midst of all that, we always

realize that there's gotta be another way.

The message doesn'tchange, but methods do.

We launched a late night television show

on Secular programming, the Darkest Hour

is a backdoor approach to gospel.

And we have people,every race, color, creed,

we have people literally former strippers.

Gang bangers, people that hadbeen in prison for murder.

We've got white collar,blue collar, no collar.

People from every walk of life

that have just been stuck in the ditch.

But in the midst of theirpain, were rescued by God.

My mother once told me,God could never fully

use a man until he's first fully broken.

Without doubt, we've seenthousands upon thousands

of people genuinely born again.

I'm mean I'm not talking aboutjust made some commitment,

but people that have trulybeen radically transformed

by the grace of Christ.

And we all heard David and Goliath,

but to me, the cool part of this story

is is David ends upcutting off Goliath's head

with the very sword that Goliath brought

to cut of David's.

And I believe that's how God works.

He wants to take theweapons that the enemy

brings against us, andput those in our hands

as a tool to combat the enemy.

I really do believe yourpain is your platform.


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