The Christian Broadcasting Network

Browse Videos

Share Email

When Desires Lead to Conviction and Guilt

Brady had his first homosexual encounter as a boy and continued to have hookups with gay men as an adult. Then his pastor invited him to attend a conference. Read Transcript

- It was really a cycleof going through guilt

and conviction and thenhaving all these desires

and so I'll feed thosedesires and then crashing down

with guilt and conviction again.

It was just a rollercoaster.

- [Reporter] Brady Rand was 12

when he was first exposed to pornography.

- One of my friends,he had taken a magazine

from his dad's collectionand even to this day,

I can still remember thatfirst image that I looked at.

It opened my mind up to a world

that I had never been exposed to.

And so I really wantedto just explore that.

- [Reporter] Not longafter Brady and another

male friend had theirfirst sexual encounter.

- We began talking aboutsex and then eventually,

we did start experimentingwith each other.

It occurred to me thatI should probably talk

to somebody about this but I never did

just out of fear of what they would think,

fear of what my parents would think.

- [Reporter] After highschool, he joined the Navy.

- I had been stationed in Hawaii.

My desires to be with other men really

kind of amped up at that point.

And there's a lot of opportunities,

there's different barsand there's different

hang outs and those kind of things.

- [Reporter] Brady's promiscuitywas always in conflict

with his Christian upbringing.

- God was convicting me during those times

and trying to let me knowhey, this isn't the right way.

But after that guilt and thoseconvictions would wear off,

it'd be more and more difficult

to abstain from those things.

- [Reporter] Brady wasdischarged from the service

and returned to Oklahoma where he married

his high school sweetheartand they had two children.

All the while, Brady kepthis secret life hidden.

- I loved my first wifewith my whole heart.

I believed that if I married this woman,

if I had this woman withme every day of my life

maybe that would helpstave off this desire.

- [Reporter] For many years,Brady was faithful to wife

and stayed active in his church.

But in 2006, the couple made plans

to celebrate their 10th anniversary.

- We had planned aneight day trip to Hawaii.

And I should have recognized that

that was gonna be a trigger for me.

It was probably about threeor four days into our trip,

I went back to that firstgay beach that I had gone to

back whenever I had first moved to Hawaii.

And I had a hookup with a gentleman

that I had met on the beach.

- [Reporter] That trip set Brady back

on his old pattern for several more years.

- I had gone six yearswithout cheating on my wife.

I had made this commitmentto God that I had now broken.

Whenever we got back from our trip,

I kind of had this mindsetof I just didn't really care

anymore about that andabout suppressing that.

I had gotten my first desktop computer

and of course that justopens up a whole new world

as far as pornography is concerned.

I did kind of go into thisdeep hole of pornography

and just kind of buried myself in that.

I started meeting other men.

- [Reporter] Brady and his wifebegan attending a different

church despite the fact that her health

began deteriorating from diabetes.

- She wanted to be at church.

She knew that she wasn'tgonna be here a lot longer

and she wanted to make the most of it.

- [Reporter] Brady'spastor then invited him

to attend a conference.

- I really had reachedthis point of hopelessness.

I would have thoughtsof suicide just because

of that despair and justthat guilt that I had felt.

I had really stopped hearing from God

and I wasn't able tohear His voice anymore.

All of a sudden, I felt this desire to go

to the conference thatI needed to be there.

And looking back at thatmoment, I know that it was God,

it was the Holy Spirit.

- [Reporter] Brady's lifechanged forever that weekend.

- I had never been to a prayer conference.

And Pastor Cory Jones, thatwas one of his conferences.

He's felt led to just bringthe church back to praying

and back to commitment ofreally crying out to God.

And that's what his conference was about.

- [Reporter] At onepoint in the conference,

Brady felt a hand on his shoulder.

I connected eyes with the pastor.

Within about 25 or 30 seconds,he was standing next to me.

And he had his hand on my shoulder

and he had begun to pray over me.

He said that whenever he was sitting there

on the stage looking out at the crowd,

that my face was the onlyface that he could see

that everything was kinda blurred out.

And God told Pastor Cory I want you to go

and pray that he would befilled with the Spirit.

For the first time in my life,

I began to feel the manifestpresence of the Holy Spirit

just falling on me.

And it was a powerful, powerful thing.

And all of that sin,I could literally feel

it leaving my body.

And it was in thatmoment that I just began

to weep uncontrollably, justtears pouring out of my face.

And it was maybe about 10 seconds later,

I realized that sin that I had asked God

for 26 years to take out of my life,

I could feel that leaving my body,

literally leaving my body.

And at that point, I beganto laugh uncontrollably

because I was so happyand I was so excited

to finally be free of this.

I knew that it was authentic.

I knew that this was an actual encounter

with the Holy Spirit, with God.

- [Reporter] Brady started being discipled

at this church and has never looked back.

- The freedom that Ifelt from that encounter

with the Holy Spirit was life changing.

I knew that this was forever.

It's not just somethingthat I did on my own.

- [Reporter] Sadly, Brady'sfirst wife passed away in 2014

as a result of complicationsfrom her diabetes.

Two years later, Brady married Raquel.

They now have a blended family of four

and are both involved in ministry.

- If I could say anything to anybody

that's struggling todaywith maybe suicidal thoughts

or maybe just depressionor maybe just hopelessness,

I want them to know that Jesus is real,

that Jesus is still in thebusiness of changing people,

that He cares about you deeply,

and there is true freedomthat's available to them.

Just don't give up on hope.


Related Podcasts | Do You Know Jesus? | Privacy Notice | Prayer Requests | Support CBN | Contact Us | Feedback
© 2012 Christian Broadcasting Network