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Relient K: 'The Complex Infrastructure Known as the Female Mind'

By Relient K – If you are reading this, you might be laughing to yourself and thinking that we have lost our minds. “Relient K writing a book about girls? That’s insane.” And you would be right. Sort of right, but not really. We might be insane, or we might not—we’ll leave that up to you to decide. But for the moment, we won’t dwell on the issue of our sanity but on our motivation for undertaking this newest literary pursuit.

So, the other day we got a call from our band’s manager, Jeff. Do you know what it’s like to have a band manager? Managers have a reputation for being the bearer of either great or horrible news. A phone call from a manager could go something like this: “Hey guys, you are going to be on the cover of AP next month . . . “ (which would be completely rad) or “Hey guys, your spring tour just got cancelled because of low ticket sales, so you might want to think about that pizza delivery job at Papa John’s . . .” (which also hasn’t happened yet, thankfully). So when the phone rings and it’s your manager, your stomach is in knots because you just don’t know what is coming next.

In this case, Jeff was calling with neither great nor horrible news. His news was interesting to say the least, or maybe even a bit weird. “Hey guys, I got a call from Thomas Nelson. You know, the big book publisher. Uh huh, that’s right. They were calling me to see if you would be interested in writing a book.” (Silence.) “Yes, a book.” (More silence.) “What’s it about? Well . . . um, they want you to write a book about girls.” (Again, silence.) “Hello? Are you there?” And that is how this all began—with one simple phone call from our manager.

Now it should be said that we have never been asked to write a book before. In fact, none of us has ever even tried to write a book before. Songs? Obviously. Books? No. But the idea of writing a book sounded like a bit of a challenge, and if there’s one thing that you should know about Relient K, it is that we are always up for a challenge. We’re always up to try something new and we’re not ones to turn our backs on a challenge. Besides, how do you turn down an offer to write a book? In our case, you don’t.

While writing a book about girls sounded like fun, none of us really had the time to sit down and write the whole thing up. Generally speaking, we’re fairly busy. If we aren’t on tour, or writing songs, or recording songs for a new record, we are spending our few remaining days at home with friends and family. Quite frankly, even though we wanted to write this book, we weren’t sure how we were going to do it. That’s where Mark comes in. The editor at Thomas Nelson suggested a guy who she thought would be able to help us out. Unlike us, he had written a book before. So we had our manager Jeff meet with him and he seemed like a decent enough guy, so we invited him in to help us out with this book. For the purposes of this book, he will be like the fifth member of the band. No, he doesn’t play an instrument (except the tuba and trombone, but those are barely instruments and they certainly don’t count as we’re not a ska or a polka band), so you will never see him onstage with us. Think of him as the guy in the back of the van that types on his laptop all day long. So there is a little “behind the scenes” info for you on why we are writing this book. Basically, we are writing this book because we were asked, and because, with a little extra help, we could.

The other question you may be asking yourself is, Are these guys qualified to write a book about girls? Now that is a fair question but it will seem almost silly when you stop and think about it. Between the five of us, we have spent the better part of our lives studying and trying to get to know girls—all different types of girls. That comes to over one hundred years experience when you add it all up.

Secondly, we like girls. We’ve met plenty of girls, we’ve hung out with girls, we’ve dated girls, and a couple of us have even been so lucky to marry girls. But we won’t pretend that we have completely figured out the entire mystery that makes up the female gender. What we have discovered in our one-hundred-plus years is that the more we studied your gender, the more complex you and your world became. Your world is and shall remain The Complex Infrastructure Known as the Female Mind.

So this is a book about girls, written by some guys who like girls and have observed girls in their natural habitats. We have studied you and your kind for some time now, and at present we are ready to share what we have learned about you, The Girl. This is a Relient K exposé, if you will. An attempt to get to the bottom of what types of girls exist and what makes you tick. Some of it may surprise you and some of it you probably already know.

If you are a female and are reading this book, you may be thinking quietly to yourself that you surely must know everything there is to possibly know about being a female, because you are one. Oh contraire, dear girl friend. Even if you know everything there is to know about your own type of girl, remember that there are other girls of other types that you may know very little about. Those other girls may be wildly different than you. If you are the least bit curious about these other kinds of girls, this book is written with you in mind, the complex female. If you are still doubtful that this book is for you, we cordially invite you to take a little test to see if you should indeed be reading this book.

Normally, you won’t find a quiz in the introduction of any old book, but you certainly got your money’s worth with this book, didn’t you? To make sure our quiz works properly and provides you with the most helpful information that you can stand, there is only one ground rule: honesty. If you answer the questions with a little honesty then you will discover if you must continue reading this book or whether to put it down and forget it even existed.

Here’s the quiz:

1. Have you ever in your entire life wondered what a boy was thinking?

2. Have you ever felt like you don’t know where you fit in?

3. Have you ever felt strangely drawn to the bathroom mirror but didn’t know why?

4. Do you ever wonder how some girl could possibly be so popular while others aren’t?

5. Do you want to know why it takes a girl longer to get ready for school than a guy?

6. Do you know what the #1 rated drink of girls in America is?

7. Do you own one or more Relient K albums?

8. Have you ever cried during a movie?

9. Are all airheads dumb?

10. Do you like boys?

Would you like to see how you did?

Answers: 1. Yes 2. Yes 3. Yes 4. Yes 5. Yes 6. Diet Coke 7. Yes 8. Yes 9. No 10. Yes

If you answered more than four of these questions correctly (and honestly), this book is for you.

For the Guys

To those of us on the XY chromosome side of the table, girls are an enigma, a riddle, and a varied mess of makeup and emotion—not easily understood, but instead are feared and admired from a safe distance. If you are a guy and happen to be reading this book, good for you. Once you are finished, you will have all the inside knowledge about the opposite sex that your have ever wished to know, or at least everything that we ourselves know.

Most males are a bit afraid of the female gender and how her mind works. Most times, we just don’t understand. Normally, the things that we don’t understand, we run away from and instead talk of football, pro wrestling, and music amongst ourselves. That is the stuff we readily understand. But today is different. Today we will valiantly attempt to uncover and explain the mystery, the beauty, the behaviors, and the assortment that makes up the female gender. Since girls come in a wide variety of colors, shapes, and sizes we will make an effort to classify them all into easy-to-identify groups, tell you more about their individual habits, their likes and dislikes, and maybe even make it easier for you to get to know them. They are, after all, the fairer sex and, as a rule, a far more lovely gender than that of our own. Wouldn’t you like to get to know a girl, even talk to her? We hope that by the time this book is done, you too will be able to hold a conversation with a girl, spend time with a girl, and even know how to treat and care for her.

Disclaimer: Remember, as you read about the wild and wonderful world of girls, not all girl types, guy types, or relationship types are set in stone. There will be plenty of mixing and matching along the way. This may require your thinking caps. Have them handy, just in case. But don’t worry, it will all become apparent later in this book. Clearly, this is an important work of scientific research and unmitigated fact and in some cases, pure conjecture. Pulitzer Prize, here we come (and yes, we all just rolled our eyes too . . .).

Taken from The Complex Infrastructure Known As The Female Mind According To Relient K, (Transit Books). Reprinted with permission.

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