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“To my five children in Heaven…”

A woman shares a letter she wrote to her five children who she lost in miscarriage. Read Transcript


[CHILDREN PLAYING IN BACKGROUND]

WOMAN 1: To my five children in heaven, many years

have passed since I lost you, but sometimes it

feels like only yesterday.

As I sit here, I can remember the excitement

of each pregnancy, thinking of the hope that might be,

and the child that might be, and then the depth of loss when

there was no heartbeat on the screen and the pain

that came with losing each one of you

and having to say goodbye to the hope

and the promise that was there.

In those early years, when I had lost three of you, one

after another, I was devastated.

I felt alone and ashamed.

God was against me because he let other women have

babies so easily.

I felt abandoned by him.

And I felt guilt, wondering if I had done something

wrong to lose you, and fear that I would never

have a child of my own.

[CHILD LAUGHING]

[WOMAN LAUGHING]

Baby shower after baby shower, I smiled, all the while feeling

like I was dying inside.

Since no one had seen you, the loss was not real to them.

[CHILD LAUGHING]

But to me, you were and are still very real.

WOMAN 2: Oh, no.

[LAUGHING]

WOMAN 1: You are my children.

And even though we never met, I have named each one of you.

During those painful years, God gave me

a scripture, Jeremiah 29:11.

CHILD 1: Mom!

WOMAN 2: OK, OK, All right.

CHILD 1: Mom.

WOMAN 2: OK, all right.

WOMAN 1: "'For I know the plans I have for you,' declares

the Lord, 'plans to prosper you and not to harm you.

plans to give you a hope and a future.'"

WOMAN 2: Good job.

Oh, so good.

WOMAN 1: Sometimes my anger was directed at Him,

and I would shake my fist at Him,

and I would yell at Him, because He

had taken what I loved so much.

But He spoke gently to me, and He

promised me hope no matter what I was going through.

Eventually, I had your two brothers, during which time

I also lost two more of you.

It was a season of joy mixed with sadness.

My pregnancies were high risk and filled

with tests, ultrasounds, and hormone injections.

I longed to have a normal pregnancy like so many others.

But when those two boys were born, it was pure joy.

I cannot adequately express how much joy your brothers have

brought to me and your dad.

When they were young, I loved just holding them, and looking

at them in their eyes, and touching them, and smelling

them.

I had longed for a baby for so long.

And then, as they got older, to watch them jump and play,

to cheer for them on the sidelines, to watch one of them

get married, it was a miracle that I never

thought would happen to me.

They are amazing men, and I thank God every day

for His faithfulness.

[STEAM WHISTLING]

Having two children on earth eases the pain of losing you,

but it does not remove it.

I was able to find out the last one of you I lost was a girl.

I named you Abigail Rose.

WOMAN 2: Is everybody ready?

CHILD 1: Yeah!

CHILD 2: Yeah!

ALL: [SINGING] Happy birthday to you.

WOMAN 1: I wonder what you would look like.

What would our family be like?

Would you be tall like your brothers?

Would we be friends?

Would you roll your eyes at me?

Would you have long hair?

[LAUGHING]

What hopes and dreams would you have for your future?

What do What do you think?

WOMAN 2: I thing you look perfect.

GIRL 1: You just have to say that because you're my mom.

WOMAN 2: No, I always think that.

WOMAN 1: Sometimes, the pain hits me out of the blue,

like the other day at the checkout line of the store.

I saw a mother with her daughter.

[LAUGHING] They looked like they had been shopping for school

clothes, and they were laughing, and smiling, and had little

jokes that I knew that were just between them.

Just like all those years ago, I smiled,

but when I left the store, I went to my car

and cried for my Abigail.

And I cried for all of you.

Once again, in my sadness, God was there with me in the car.

I could feel His presence comforting me, collecting

my tears, promising me hope.

Sometimes, I feel selfish.

I know you are in paradise.

I know God cares for you better than I ever could.

[CHILDREN PLAYING IN BACKGROUND]

You never experienced pain.

You were never sick.

You never cried or had your heart broken.

But still, I miss what could have been,

and wish you were all here with our family all year.

[CHILDREN LAUGHING]

BOY 1: You guys are the monkeys in the middle.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

WOMAN 1: Someday, I will see you.

I will meet you, my beautiful children, for the first time.

There will be no more tears.

God promises me that when he says in Revelation 21:4,

"He will wipe every tear from their eyes.

There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain,

for the old order of things has passed away. "

And one thing I have learned is He is faithful to his promises.

[LAUGHING]

Until then, I love you.

Mom.

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