I was driving down the highway listening to the familiar voice of Dr.
James Dobson. Suddenly, the host asked his guest, "What is the most
common question a young girl will ask her mom about sex?" Without delay
the woman responded, "Mom, did you wait?"
I pulled my minivan to the side of the highway and allowed ten years
of tremendous denial and grief to engulf me. I reached for my brand
new baby girl in the back seat and held her as I cried. I would not
lie to my little girl.
My heart's desire was, is and always will be to live a lifestyle of
purity, but in high school I detoured from that pursuit long enough
to get tangled up by lust. Like no other sin, moments of unbridled passion
had intertwined my life painfully into another's.
That evening, it took me three hours to tell my husband in the darkness
of my bedroom. Satan had me cornered into a prison of blackmail until
the very moment that my lips uttered my long-awaited confession. Oh,
how I wish I had done that sooner. Christ's forgiveness finally verbalized
in the midst of my husband's warm familiar embrace suddenly began to
heal the deep tear in my heart.
The church is as plagued by Satan's sexual blackmail as it is by the
actual sins of sexual misuse. Forty-two percent of today's married,
"religiously active" women engaged in premarital sex. Forty-three percent
of women overall will have at least one abortion by the time they are
45 years old, many of them sit in the pews next to you and I on Sunday
morning. These women are often suffering silently, desperately praying
that healing will come someday. In a world where AIDS, pre-teen pregnancies,
abortion, infertility and sexually transmitted diseases are all-too
common, there is a consequence to sexual misuse that is being overlooked
... the broken heart.
Where does healing for you personally come from?
The day that I confessed my sexual sin to my husband, I did not know
that it would unlock the key to my healing. Certainly forgiveness came
because I have a great loving Savior, but why didn't healing naturally
follow my confession to Christ? James 5:16 says "Confess your sins to
each other, and pray for each other so that you may be healed." God's
Word clearly says that healing from damaged emotions -- whether from
a sexual sin or any other type of sin -- comes from confessing that
sin to another member of the church body.
While it's true that at
some point young people need to be given freedom and to be trusted,
that probably doesn't have to take place as early as "everyone else"
does it.
Tim and Beverly LaHaye, authors of Raising Sexually Pure Kids,
write about a special moment on their youngest daughter's wedding day.
As they drove her to the church, she leaned forward and said, "Mom and
Dad, you can be proud of yourselves. You raised two daughters in Southern
California, and both of us were virgins on our wedding day!" Probably
a bit teary-eyed to begin with, the family drove to the church enjoying
a downpour of joyful tears. The LaHayes are so proud that their daughters
have no regrets.
No doubt, the LaHaye girls had moments when they did not like their
parents' involvement in their dating. They had to endure their dad's
"pre-date" interviews with their guy-friends, could not single date
at all until they graduated from high school, and they had to share
a full itinerary with their parents prior to each day. The LaHaye's
aggressive, authoritative involvement certainly doesn't fit the current
teen-parenting trends today, but social science is uncovering proof
that just that kind of involvement is what it takes to raise sexually
pure kids.
According to the Medical Institute for Sexual Health, there are eight
easily identified factors in student's lives that show the greatest
influence in reducing the risk of premarital sexual activity. Parental
involvement is mentioned in three of those eight factors including "high
levels of parent-family connectedness," "parental disapproval of adolescent
being sexually active," and "parental disapproval of adolescent using
contraception."
But how is a parent to successfully bring those risk reduction factors
into the lives of their teen children who've suddenly come upon hormones
and bad hair days?
Start Talking About Sex Early
One study evaluated an abstinence curriculum's effect on differing
age groups. Students in upper elementary grades were most likely to
make favorable attitude changes about delaying sexual activity as opposed
to the high school students who were less likely to change their thinking.
Since sex education in your children's school may begin in the upper
elementary and they may be receiving the "safer sex" message, it is
vital that you are providing information that you want to positively
shape their sexual values. In upper elementary school or even junior
high school, they may not be terribly interested in a lot of details.
The basic fact that sexual contact creates babies and is a special gift
for marriage may be as far as the conversation needs to go.
At every age, but particularly the younger ones, don't forget to focus
on the heart issues. After all, the distinct difference between human
sexuality and other mammal's mating rituals is that for us it is both
spiritual and emotional. Focus on the love, commitment and emotional
bond that sex requires for true fulfillment. Sex is far more than the
biological responses your child will be taught in health class.
Above all, always remember that each child is unique and will require
an individually customized approach. Your first child may be passive
and uninterested and require you to push him or her at an age appropriate
opportunity in upper elementary, while a second child may be inquisitive
at a surprisingly early age.
Talk About It Often As They Approach Their Sexual Peak
Teenagers hit their peak years of sexual activity starting at ages
15 and older. Most teens say they want to learn about sex from their
parents. One study asked both mothers and daughters "Are you communicating
effectively about sex?" Nearly 3/4 of the mothers said that they were.
Only 1/3 of the daughters could agree because they wanted their mothers
to bring the subject up more often. Remember the insatiable curiosity
you had when you were fifteen? Rise to the challenge to meet that curiosity
so that it is not quenched elsewhere.
Raising Them Chaste, a book by Richard C. Durfield, Ph.D. and
Renee Durfield, outlines the concept of a "key talk" between parents
and children. This "key talk," while it should not be the first mention
of sexuality, is an opportunity as they enter their teen years to make
a formal commitment with your teenager to remain abstinent. ("A pledge
to remain a virgin" is another of the eight risk reduction factors outlined
by the Medical Institute.) This "key talk," the Durfield's urge, should
take place at a nice restaurant or another special place and often includes
a covenant contract signed by both parents and teens and a gift to remind
your teenager of their commitment. It is, at its heart, an open invitation
to discuss the topic in depth from that point on.
My book, And the Bride Wore White: Seven Secrets To Sexual Purity,
uses a fun, narrative style to introduce seven risk reduction factors
to young women. Many mothers are reading this on a weekly basis with
their daughters in an effort to keep the lines of communication open.
Some fathers of teen boys have been submitting along with their sons
to internet filters in an attempt to keep temptation out of the home.
Joining with their sons in this commitment opens the door for talk about
sexual temptation because the young men know their dads are in the same
boat with them.
Set Firm Dating Guidelines
Most teenagers don't claim to set out one day to have sex, but it "just
happens." (In fact, most of it "just happens" between 3:00 p.m. and
5:00 p.m. while mom and dad are still at work.) Sadly, 42% of conservative
Christian teenagers will be sexually active by the age of 18 and that
does not include those who play around with sexual contact other than
intercourse.
A strong set of dating guidelines and expectations will avoid opportunities
for things to get out of control. While it is true that at some point
they do need to be given freedom and to be trusted, that probably doesn't
have to take place as early as "everyone else" does it.
"Maybe our kids wouldn't give in so much to peer pressure to dress,
act and date like everyone else if we, as parents, didn't give in the
peer pressure of other parents to let them dress, act and date like
everyone else," challenged one father.
Some behavioral guidelines might include:
- Dating is something that is to be reserved for special occasions
and weekends, not after school.
- You may group date beginning at age ___.
- You may car date/single date after high school.
- You may date a boy or girl after they have spent an evening with
us.
- You may date a boy or girl if he or she is a Christian.
- You must tell us what you have scheduled prior to each date and
call us if your plans change.
Sound pretty tough? Well, living a lifestyle of purity is pretty tough!
While you set some firm rules, you also need to discuss some things
with your teens such as "How far is too far?" or "What guidelines do
you think you need as far as being alone on a date?" and "When is it
OK to commit my heart?" These aren't things you can really establish
as rules for they must be internalized to be effective.
Determine to Spend as Much Time with Your Teens As You Can
"High levels of parent-family connectedness," as the Medical Institute
puts it, doesn't occur among families where the parents are more committed
to their careers than their kids nor in homes where the teenagers hold
a job, participate in after school activities and squeeze in a large
slate of social opportunities. Yet, that pretty much describes the average
home where teens reside today.
Girls, especially, who lack a positive father/daughter relationship
are very much at risk to be sexually active. David Blakenhorn in Fatherless
America wrote, "Many studies confirm that girls who grow up without
fathers are at much greater risk for early sexual activity, adolescent
childbearing, divorce and lack of sexual confidence."
Now, as much as ever your child needs you. Though they may not need
you physically, they need you mentally and emotionally to sort through
complex new issues.
Spend time with your teens. Play laser tag. Race go-carts. Go to a
good movie. Do things they enjoy and they might just end up opening
up and even attempt to do things you would like to do.
Feed Them Spiritually
The Medical Institute states that early sexual activity is less likely
when a teen has an "importance ascribed to religion/prayer." Even the
Center for Disease control has stated that religiously active kids tend
to be less likely to be sexually active.
Titus 2:12-13 says, "God's grace teaches us to say 'no' to ungodliness
and worldly passions, and to live self-controlled, upright and godly
lives in this present age, while we wait for the blessed hope-the glorious
appearing of our great God and Savior, Jesus Christ." You must encourage
your teen to stand before God and to say, "OK, teach me to say no. I
know these worldly passions exists, but I know the only way I will be
able to say no is if You teach me!"
Your child cannot attain purity on their own, though they can make
a commitment.
Experts cannot unveil some formula, though they can offer solid advice.
You, as a parent, cannot shelter them, though you can set up good guidelines.
Only God can teach them to say "no" to worldly passions.
Take them to His feet. Offer to have devotions with them on a regular
basis. Encourage them to pursue a relationship with a youth leader who
is willing to really invest in their lives. Invest in weekend youth
conventions and missions trips without reluctance. In fact, stop right
now and ask God to teach your precious son or daughter to say no to
worldly passions and to teach you how to guide them through the labyrinth
of temptation.
Related articles by Dannah Gresh:
The Seven Secrets of Sexual Purity
Mom, Did You Wait?
Great Bible-based resources on the subject of sexuality:
The Song of Solomon: A Study on Love, Sex, Marriage and Romance
by Tommy Nelson
This twelve session video series for adults offers Biblical encouragement
and inspiration on such subjects as attraction, intimacy, conflict,
romance and commitment.
Her Choice to Heal
By Sydna Masse
This book offers useable information and activities to guide a women
through the process of healing from post-abortion syndrome.
Pure Freedom "Seven Secrets to Sexual Purity"
by Dannah Gresh
This eight session retreat or weekly study for junior and senior high
through college-age young women is an easy-to-use curriculum companion
to Gresh's book And the Bride
Wore White.
The National Abstinence
Clearinghouse
888-577-2966
This national resource center for sexual abstinence provides a comprehensive
guide to books, tapes, video series, promotional items and speakers.
Most target youth, but some are appropriate for adult use.
The Medical Institute
512-328-6268
This medically-based organization is on the cutting edge of the abstinence
movement. Their resources and conferences can help you to be intelligent
about the subject of sexuality so that you can approach it with excellence.
* How safe is "safer" sex? Human papillomavirus (HPV) is the most common
viral STD today, causing more than 2.5 million new infections each year.
Not only is it gross and uncomfortable (it causes genital warts), but
it also causes more than 90 percent of all cervical cancer in women, making
it deadly. How much protection does a condom offer against HPV? None.
HPV is spread through skin contact, not body fluids. The truth is that
"safer" sex isn't really safe at all. Source:
Sexual Health Today,
a slide presentation available through The Medical Institute.
Much of the content in the article is taken from And the Bride
Wore White by Dannah Gresh, a new book for young women which
unveils seven secrets to sexual purity. Other sources used include
The Power of Abstinence by Kristine Napier (New York: Avon
Books, 1996), 73; an interview with Josh McDowell conducted January
1, 1999, and used by permission; an interview with Becky Tirabassi conducted
in May, 1999, and used by permission, and Ed Young's book Pure
Sex (Sisters, Ore.: Multnomah, 1997), 17.
Used with permission. Copyright 2000 by Dannah Gresh.
To find out more about the ministry of Dannah Gresh, click here.