God Who Pursues: Encountering a Relentless God
By Cecil Murphey
Throughout my life, God has pursued merelentlessly.
I dont mean that God chased me until I surrendered and became a Christian.
In fact, the initial awareness of that unmitigating pursuit began five years after
my conversion. It was also the first time I became angry at God.
began during my second year of college on a Monday, a day when I didnt have
classes. I had sacrificed by not working full time so that I could study hard
and serve God in ministry. On Tuesday, I faced a major final exam with two more
finals later in the week; I had to spend the day preparing for those tests.
my wife, woke up ill Monday morning and went back to bed. Our two preschool daughters
werent sick but were extremely fussy. As soon as I tried to focus on my
studies, one or the other whimpered or commanded attention. If I stopped to take
care of Wanda, Cecile demanded her share of time.
The mail arrived in the middle
of the morning. Among the letters, I found our heating bill, for which we didnt
have the money and wouldnt have it before it was due. We barely had enough
groceries, and just enough gas in the car for me to drive to and from college
the rest of the week. My car would soon need new brakes, and I had no idea how
I could afford to have them replaced.
No matter what I did that morning to
find study time, nothing improved. At least a dozen times I pleaded with God for
help, adding, Im doing this so I can serve you better.
my prayers, nothing changed at our house, other than that the girls fussed even
more. By noon I had not studied more than three or four minutes at any one time.
A headache came upon me suddenly, and Im one of those people who rarely
suffers such an affliction. It felt as if someone had stretched a heavy band around
the top of my head and continued to tighten it.
Despite their crankiness, I
fed Wanda and Cecile their lunch and put them down for a nap. My head ached so
badly that I gave in and lay down on the sofa.
As quietness filled our house,
I felt anything but peaceful. As I lay there, I reviewed my situation. I had grown
tired of scraping money together every month and never having anything left over.
Saving for bad days ahead was a joke; we were living in the bad days. My
good friends at church were serving God while pursuing lucrative careers.
tension had been building for weeks. No matter how carefully we managed our finances,
unexpected expenses sneaked in. I thought, Im in debt because Im
studying to serve a God who wont provide money to pay my bills. For
perhaps ten minutes I grumbled about all of heavens mistreatment. Why
am I serving God anyway? Others dont have these problems. None of my friends
has to pray for money just to pay the bills.
As my reasoning intensified,
so did my anger. Then rage erupted: Im through with you, God!
I said aloud. If youre all-powerful and all-loving, why dont
you do something good for me? Why do you make it so hard to serve you?
of feeling better, the bitterness spewed out. I dont believe in you
any longer. What have I gotten from you except poverty and sacrifice? Besides,
as a Christian I always have to seek guidance. Before my conversion, I just decided
what I wanted and did it. Thats the way I want to live from now on.
The more I thought of the freedom from checking in with God and waiting for
guidance that didnt always come, the more I liked the idea.
through with Christianity.
Almost immediately, peace flooded me. I was
free from God. I had made the decision; now I could divorce myself from any connection
with the church or Jesus Christ. I would take my final exam the next day and the
other two I had later in the week. After that, I would drop out of college and
get a full-time job, perhaps continuing my education part time. I didnt
want to serve God; I was finished with all of that religious business. I had tried
it and it hadnt worked. It was time to enjoy my life and do what I wanted
to do. I would never attend another church activity or read the Bible again.
what about Wanda and Cecile?
That question burst from inside me. It was
all right for me to choose not to follow God, but what about them?
can take them to church if she wants to, I decided.
to take over all the spiritual guidance?
Yes, I decided, she could do it.
She would have to do it, because I was through with God. For five years I had
sought God, and what good had it done me? I didnt want to think about God
ever again. From now on I would focus on what I wanted. If the Bible should turn
out to be true and I ended up in eternal torment, I didnt care. I just wanted
to be free now.
What about your daughters? Do you have the right to treat
them this way?
Then I exploded. If Shirley and the girls hadnt been
asleep upstairs, I would have screamed at God so loudly that neighbors would have
heard my roar.
That isnt fair!
God had smacked me with
a sharp left hook. I didnt care about myself, but I couldnt gamble
on the salvation of my girls. My anger intensified, and I told God so.
then I remembered an ad I had seen years earlier in a Christian magazine; an organization
that reached out to alcoholics wanted financial support. The picture showed a
man trapped inside a whiskey bottle. The agonized expression on his face, along
with his outstretched hands, showed that he couldnt extricate himself from
Yes, I thought, thats just like me. Im trapped.
Penned in. God wont let me go no matter what I want.
of God are you? I dont love you. I dont believe in you. I just want
you out of my life! Why wont you let me alone?
I dont know
how long the railing continued, but for several minutes at least. Finally exhausted
from all of my angry accusations, I stopped, too weary to fight any longer. Okay,
youve got me. I dont like it and I dont want you, but I cant
turn away. Are you satisfied now?
Of course, I heard no response.
when I want to get away from you, you wont let me go, will you?
I listened to my own words, something clicked inside my head. Tears filled my
eyes, and an overpowering sense of gratitude engulfed me. God would not let me
Even when I didnt want to follow, God still loved me and wanted me.
I lay quietly, my eyes closed, and silently gave thanks for the unrelenting love
that refused to let me run away.
As I continued to lie there, I heard a song,
one that I was not aware of ever having heard before. A baritone sang, O
Jesus, I have promised to serve Thee to the end;/ Be Thou forever near me, my
Master and my Friend./ I shall not fear the battle if Thou art by my side,/ Nor
wander from the pathway if Thou wilt be my Guide. (John E. Bode, 1868, O
Jesus, I Have Promised, The Hymnbook, Presbyterian Church in the
United States, 1965, 307.)
Then the tears flooded, and I begged for forgiveness.
God wanted me so much that I could never pry loose the divine arms that hugged
The end of the story is that both girls awakened alert, happy,
and begged me, Daddy, can we go outside and play? I let them out into
the front yard where I could see them enjoying themselves. For the next three
hoursan unbelievably long time for themthey never came into the house.
My headache disappeared as quickly as it had come. Shirley awakened in the middle
of the afternoon and felt well enough to take over the girls care. I studied
for three solid hours. The next day I took the test and ended up with the highest
grade in the class.
Finances still troubled us, but a few church friends, unaware
of our needs, gave us money. Opportunities to speak in churches opened up, and
each time I left with a handshake and an envelope with a check enclosed. We also
paid the fuel bill a week before it was due.
My reason for sharing this story
is that this was when I began to face the God Who Pursuesand pursues and
pursues. One hymn captures this idea well: O Love That Wilt Not Let Me Go
* * *
The best way I can explain these divine
pursuits is to begin with these words: God is holy. When we refer to God
by that term, many of us immediately think of purity and righteousness. Or we
cringe at words like holy by relegating them to old-fashioned, legalistic
faith that prevents us from enjoying life. Thats not the biblical concept.
In Scripture, holy means totally different, separated, set apart
for sacred use. In practical terms, it means that the Holythe One
who is completely other-than-humantears the heavens apart, taps us on the
shoulder, and whispers, This is what I want you to see about yourself.
Church leaders used to call this process sanctification, meaning that
God slowly molds us into the likeness of Jesus Christ by setting us aside, shaping
us, affirming us, and even rebuking us. They used words such as holiness,
but today we prefer terms like growth and spiritual maturity.
Some of us have envisioned holiness (or spiritual maturity) as continuous acts
of self-cleansing. We have to keep embracing rituals, behaving in specific ways
to make ourselves good enough for divine acceptance, especially by doing more,
more, more. If we pray more, serve more, give more, or add more charitable service
to our overly crowded lives, we might make ourselves good enough. Thus,
we become holy ... in our own minds.
Instead of thinking of the Christian
life as what we do, isnt it time to emphasize once again what God does?
Thats really the biblical perspective; Scripture provides hundreds of examples
of the Holy breaking into human existence, chasing us, wooing us, reaching out
toward us, embracing us, and changing us.
Lets think of the divine pursuit
this way: For many Christians, the awareness begins when the Holy bursts into
our lives and disrupts us, and we dont joyously welcome that disruption.
Initially we resist, even though we know God wants only good for us.
throughout the years, Ive cried out to God (in my rebellious moods) and
asked why I was the object of such a divine quest. I never heard a voice from
heaven, but I have learned this much: Im not unique. This stalking
goes on in all our lives, because God has called each of us according to
his purpose.... For God knew his people in advance, and he chose them to become
like his Son (Romans 8:2829 nlt).
As we become aware of this constant
wooing from heaven, we also realize that we cant compare ourselves to others,
because God doesnt speak to all of us with the same voice. The Pursuing
One places a strict obedience upon us so that we cant measure our lives
or compare ourselves to other believers. At times it seems as if some of the good
Christianseven the great leaders of the churchcan do things that were
not allowed to do.
To make it worse, we find it difficult to talk about the
Relentless Spirit that pursues us. If we do speak up, we assume others will call
us proud for being so humble, think us strange for having such off-center
ideas, or raise an indifferent eyebrow to our naïveté.
long after I became a published writer, I found it hard to understand how other
authors could push themselves into the public eye, unabashedly promote themselves
and their books, and become famous for barely mediocre writing. Oh, Lord,
I know Im a better writer, I moaned. (Im not very objective
about myself, so they may actually be better writers than I am.)
When I tried
to follow their example, I felt such deep mortification that I despised my actions
and backed away. I decided Id rather sit in an obscure corner than receive
applause that I had generated for myself.
Ive heard others boast of their
successes, especially of the copies their books have sold or of the large advance
they received for their next one. I cant do that. I dont despise those
who do, but I remind myself that One-Who-Loves-Me-and-Will-Not-Let-Me-Go has grabbed
my hand and holds it firmly. When I try to pull away or to go out on my own, the
divine fingers tighten their grip. Instead of singing to the world about my ability,
my song is of the amazing grace that saved (and continues to save) a wretch like
Im not trying to present myself as a humble, self-effacing servant.
What I am trying to make clear is that God just doesnt let up on us until
the completion of the process of sanctification, which doesnt come in this
life. The process differs in each of us; the result is the same.
let me go. Even though I havent always rejoiced in that fact, sometimes
arguing and screaming, Im thankful that God hasnt stopped the divine
quest for me. I also know that as long as I live, God will relentlessly pursue
me to complete sanctification.
This is true for each of us, and it means that
if we pause and listen, well hear the divine whisper, the love call, the
sweet promises, the tender voice that beckons us onward. Its the Unyielding
Savior who accepts us as we are, yet never allows us to remain as we are.
the God I write about in this booknot only the Holy Chaser in my own life,
but the one of so many relentless pursuits in the Bible.
More from Spiritual Life
Excerpted from The God Who Pursure: Encountering a Relentless God by Cecil Murphey
Cecil Murphey ISBN 0764225863.
Bethany House Publishers
Used by permission. Unauthorized duplication
Murphey has authored or co-authored over seventy books including 90 Minutes in Heaven and Gifted Hands: The Ben Carson Story. He has masters degrees in theology and education,
taught school, mentored other writers, and served as a missionary in Africa. He
and his family live in Atlanta, Georgia.
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