You Are Crushed by a Crush
My friend Rob had just decided to date a girl named Katie. It had occurred
to me that they were going to end up together. I had known it for some time and
I never thought twice about it. I thought Rob deserved a nice girl and I hoped
Katie would be that for him.
Then one day I walked
into class and saw Rob's arm around Katie. Yet it looked different than did most
guys with their arm around a girl. Rob had a protective and appreciative gleam
in his eye. I thought of how secure Katie must have felt.
Rob and Katie got together, he and I continued our friendship as we always had.
We even worked together on a few projects for school. Sometimes he would tell
me about how Katie treated him -- which I did not think was very well. All the
time Rob and I were working together I noticed the way he spoke of his family,
the way he handled himself when a problem arose, and, most of all, how he earned
respect from everyone around him. Over the months of his relationship with Katie,
I began to admire and respect Rob even more than before.
spring day, I was chatting with him when out of the blue he told me that he and
Katie had broken up. I truly was saddened that both Rob's and Katie's expectations
had not been met. Yet, deep down, I was also glad that Rob was single again. I
knew that the bond between Rob and Katie ran deep and that there was a good chance
they would get back together. I considered telling Rob how I felt about him but
I worried that he would not have the same feelings toward me. I considered not
saying anything, but I felt that if they got back together I would always regret
not saying something. So I wrote him a letter. (I know, I know. I'm a coward!)
In the letter I said as delicately and gracefully
as I could that I was interested in him. To my surprise, he wrote me back right
away, explaining that he had wondered about me in the past but he knew that if
God wanted us together he would put us together. He reminded me that we are ultimately
not in control of our lives anyway.
In the end
Rob and Katie did not get back together. Yet he did not pursue me, either. Sometimes
crushes are crushing because the person does not want you. Sometimes crushes are
crushing because you are left waiting without an answer. I am not sure into which
category my story fits, but I do know it still hurts, years later.
a crush on someone is like putting your heart in a Ziploc bag and checking it
at the airport luggage counter. There is a chance it will make the trip and come
out unscathed, but there is a much greater chance that it will be bruised in some
Check "Yes" or "No," But Don't Check
Did you ever send or receive one of
those notes in junior high? Usually they came in the form of a folded piece of
notebook paper that read, "I like you. Do you like me? Check yes or no." Now that
I think back on it, I hope I received more than I sent! Sometimes as we get older
and relationships become more complicated, we want to go back to that simple system.
One thing I learned from my experience in junior
high is that checking "no" is an option. It is altogether possible that the object
of our desire does not esteem us as the object of his or her desire. How devastating!
A true crush means that we have admired, thought about, studied, and dreamed about
someone. Yet, quite often, the desired relationship does not ever materialize.
When the window of hope is shut in our face, it can be quite painful. The person
that we have built all our plans around is suddenly gone, and it is as if a trap
door was opened beneath our feet.
lose our crush because we are honest about our feelings and the object of our
affections does not reciprocate them. We can also lose our crush if that person
finds someone else in whom he or she is interested. Or circumstances may prevent
us from getting together: one person moves away, parents won't allow one of us
to date, or one or both of us feel like God is somehow saying "No," or "Wait."
In all of these cases the blow is crushing. As in any disappointing situation,
it is good to talk to someone about how you are feeling. Journaling is great,
too, because you have the freedom to express any thoughts you want without worrying
about the information getting out to those whom you don't want to know about it.
"This Too Shall Pass"
your crush and your feelings are as big as the world to you when they happen,
it is important to realize that as time passes, so will these experiences. Maybe
you are embarrassed that your crush found out how you felt, or hurt that he or
she chose someone else. You will get past these feelings soon enough. Squint your
eyes and try your best to look through your feelings to the other side of your
experience. Look for a place where you will be happy and content without any girl
or guy, or picture yourself in a healthy relationship with someone who treats
you as well as you deserve to be treated; a relationship that comes about in God's
good timing. In one of my favorite books, Don't Sweat the Small Stuff for Teens,
Richard Carlson speaks about the passing of time and our feelings.
can take great comfort in knowing that everything passes. Since there are no exceptions-none--it
means that if you are sad, you won't always be sad. If you fail, you'll bounce
back. If someone hurt you, that feeling will change. If you lose a love, there
will be another. Indeed, there is something very reassuring in knowing that, whatever
it is, however hard it seems, it too will pass.1
it is in your heart to be in a relationship, know that God has put that desire
in your heart for a reason and that he will fulfill it when the time is right.
Perhaps right now you simply need to be focused on school, family, friendships,
and your relationship with God, as well as on knowing yourself. When the right
relationship is meant to happen, it will. You can't prevent God from bringing
you good things any more than you can manipulate him into giving you relationships
and blessings you are not meant to have yet. "'For I know the plans I have for
you,' declares the Lord, 'plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give
you hope and a future'" (Jer 29:11).
Since crushes affect all of us at
one time or another, and we are disappointed by many of them, here are a couple
of things to consider.
apostle Peter wrote, "Honor all men. Love the brotherhood" (1 Pt 2:17a, KJV).
Think about what this means. If you have asked Christ to forgive you of your sin
and come into your life, you have become part of the family of God. When you are
attracted to another Christian, remember that he or she is also your brother or
sister in Christ. We are to honor one another in all we say and do.
you have an earthly sister, you should love her unselfishly. You should want what
is best for her, no matter what you want. Now, let's apply that principle to a
crush. If we have a crush on someone who is our brother or sister in Christ, we
should also want what is best for that person. Sometimes what is best for that
person -- and for us, for that matter -- is not what we want.
one of my best friends in high school, was totally obsessed with a boy named Matt.
If she had a class with him, she would sit near him and watch his every move.
She would ask other people questions about him and try to get closer to his friends.
She even collected pictures of him. Amy was a great friend to me, but she had
a slightly wrong perspective on Matt.
we heard that Matt had asked out a nice girl from another class. Amy was totally
devastated. All of her work and all of her hope was for nothing. She was angry
with Matt and swore to break up his relationship with his new girlfriend at all
Amy had a selfish desire for Matt. She
wanted him, no matter what. She had not even considered what was best for Matt.
She thought she was showing love toward Matt, but she wanted what was best for
her, not what was best for him.
As hard as it
is, we need to change our perspective when a situation like this occurs. Have
you ever ordered dessert at a restaurant only to have the waiter tell you that
they are out of the dessert you ordered? When this happens I usually choose something
else. Every now and then, the dessert I receive is better than the one I originally
ordered. When a crush gets away, you are guaranteed to get a better life than
what you ordered. It is difficult to keep the right perspective, but with God's
help you'll eventually be able to smile when you see the new couple walk by.
one of my best friends at college, had her eye on a boy named Kevin. She had been
friends with him for over a year and truly appreciated Kevin's relationship with
God. She could have easily become obsessed about him, but she did not allow herself
to do so. She treated him as a beloved brother. When he needed help on a school
project, she eagerly volunteered. She loved him unselfishly, even when there was
no hint of a romantic relationship on the horizon. One day, for no specific reason,
Kevin realized how awesome Valerie is. He soon asked her out and they enjoyed
a great relationship. Yet Valerie's genuine affection for him did not depend on
her hopes of a dating relationship coming true.
is a difference in how we can choose to treat our crushes. We can view them selfishly,
as objects of our desire, or we can view them as brothers or sisters we should
care for and serve unselfishly.
Who's on First?
There was another difference between how
Amy and Valerie dealt with their crushes. Amy left God out of the picture; Valerie
clung to God even more closely during this time. The psalmist gives us good advice
for this situation:
My soul finds
rest in God alone; my salvation comes from him (Ps 62:1).
must remain our focus, no matter what the storm or what the distraction. When
our attraction and appreciation turn into obsession and selfish desire, we make
it virtually impossible for God to bless us in any way.
believe that God loves us so much he does not want us to leave his side. When
I think about that, I picture a three-year-old child clinging to her father's
leg. Crushes can either lead us away from our Father or keep us right beside him.
We have to decide which it will be. Maybe one day that three-year-old child will
peek around her Father's leg to see a little boy clinging to the other leg. Or
perhaps not. Yet if she allows her Father to meet her need for love, she will
be happy either way.
He [God] alone
is my rock and my salvation; he is my fortress, I will not be shaken. My salvation
and my honor depend on God; he is my mighty rock, my refuge (Ps 62:6-7).
we wait for the day when we find someone with whom to serve God, we need to remember
that God himself is enough.
-- Answer These Questions
What is the hardest
part of having a crush on someone?
When you talk
to God about your crush, how do you feel?
do you think God has been teaching you through this experience?
Psalm 33:18; Psalm 73:23
Prayer for When You Are Crushed by a Crush
Father of my spirit, I know that having a crush isn't a big deal to many people,
but it is big deal to me. I just like _________ so much, that I cannot quit thinking
about __________ [him or her]. I don't know if _______________ will ever like
me, but help me remember that you want the best for me. I have to keep the right
perspective on this situation and keep in mind that I don't need anyone but you
to be happy. Father, help me keep my feelings in check and keep you first in my
life. Be with me as I deal with this crushing crush. In your name, Amen.
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Brittany Waggoner is a student
at Cedarville University in Cedarville, Ohio, majoring in Broadcasting. She enjoys
public speaking and has hosted shows on both radio and TV. E-E-mail
your comments to Brittany
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