Nathanael Flock: Out of the Closet, Into the Light
By Renelle Richardson
The 700 Club
Nathanael Flock: Around sixth grade, I started getting homosexual attraction and started feeling the condemnation and the shame without anyone saying anything. It’s just kind of understood in the church that it’s not acceptable. It’s not good. It’s not right.”
Renelle Richardson [reporting]: Nathanael kept his feelings a secret.
Richardson: At what point did you decide, “I’ve got to come out of the closet?”
Flock: I started reaching out to people online. It was a safe place, because they didn’t know what I really looked like. I could go into forums and be anybody I wanted to be -- just to find out if there were other people like me. Freshman year in high school, I started telling the people I was closest to.
Richardson: How did your family take all of this?
Flock: I told my mom by taking her out to a gay restaurant, which probably was pretty unfair to her but I was doing it because I wanted her on my territory.
Richardson: What was her immediate reaction?
Flock: She was pretty shocked. I also don’t take her out to dinner a whole lot so she was expecting something when I asked her to go to dinner with me and a friend. I just broke the ice. I said, “I just wanted you to come down here, because I wanted you to know that I’m gay. This is who I am, and this is one of my favorite restaurants. Let’s eat!”
Richardson [reporting]: Over the next three years, Nathanael became involved in the gay pride movement and the dance music scene.
Richardson: How did you line up your convictions? On the one hand, you’re raised in a Christian home, but you’re also thinking it’s okay to live this gay lifestyle.
Flock: I was longing for something else. The church hadn’t satisfied me. I was feeling all these new feelings, and I didn’t know how to respond. So by acting out, the convictions went to the back burner. This exciting new life, which felt like who I really was, now took precedence.
Richardson [reporting]: He became a popular DJ for clubs and parties. He also got sucked into using drugs. Soon, DJ gigs alone couldn’t support his drug habit…
Flock: I had this new power and this new acceptance, but I actually got into selling myself for money. [Also, I got into] male prostitution to make extra money. It wasn’t something that I wanted. Men would come up to me and offer me money. They’d offer me a fat check. I’d be an idiot to not take this. In my mind, it wasn’t prostitution. It was, “I’m just making some extra money and having fun while I’m doing it.” At the time, I did see it as selling myself. I was just getting money for doing something I liked doing.
Richardson [reporting]: Nathanael estimates having been with over 200 partners. He took me to a park where he did a lot of his “cruising,” which means looking for random sex partners.
Flock: I use to rollerblade up and down here looking for hookups and different men who were also cruising around. Even some married men may take their lunch break here and look for something.
Richardson: What does it feel like being back?
Flock: It’s kind of disturbing, just looking around at the people. I can look at them and see in their eyes and their body language what they’re doing. I’ve been there and done that. So I’m able to pick up on what they’re doing and why they’re here. It’s depressing.
Richardson [reporting]: After years of drugs and partying, the excitement of the club scene lost its luster.
Flock: Everyone tried to act happy, because they’re all caught in this cycle. They feel they can’t get out. So, we have to make ourselves happy to compensate. I just found most of the men would go from lover to lover, because they’re looking for that one man to complete them.
Richardson [reporting]: He felt that God was trying to draw him away, but the lifestyle had a deadly grip on him.
Flock: There was that grieving, that tension, in my heart, because I knew God was calling me back. So I’d go into these seasons of celibacy, but once I’d make that vow of celibacy, there would be men knocking on my door. Those were my lowest moments when I’d literally be crying myself to sleep and having nightmares every night. I was addicted to drugs. I was addicted to sex. I could not get out of the cycle.
Richardson [reporting]: That is until one night when Nathanael had a remarkable nightmare. He was drowning as a huge snake wrapped itself around his body. But far off, he saw a wall with a cross.
Flock: As long as I could keep my eye on the cross, I could get to it. So I finally touched it, and as soon as I did, I remembered that there’s a God. I can pray to Him. As soon as I said, “Jesus, save me!” The water and the snake disappeared. When I woke up, it was like these scales had fallen off my eyes. Like a veil had been lifted. I was seeing the world right side up. That morning, God’s voice was so loud and clear. He was saying, “You need to leave the guy you’re with. Call your parents, repent to them and tell them everything. Move back up there. Get plugged into their church…” I’m just weeping and writing all of these things down. His voice was so clear.
Ricardson [reporting]: Nathanael asked Jesus to forgive and save him. He returned home to live with his parents, began attending church and growing in his relationship with God. He quit the drugs, yet his homosexual feelings didn’t go away.
Flock: I remember the pastor was talking about following God and that it requires you to leave some things behind. You have to keep moving if you’re going to follow God. I felt the Lord pressing so hard into my heart, “You have to forsake homosexuality. You have to denounce this.” So I prayed a really scary prayer that night. It was one of the scariest prayers I’ve ever prayed, and I surrendered it to the Lord. I said, “I want what You want for me, and if being with a woman is Your best for me, then I say yes to that. I denounce and renounce my agreement with this as who I am. I want to be who You want me to be.” It wasn’t even a week later, and my heart was already turning. All of a sudden, I was wanting a wife, I was wanting children. It burned in me for four or five months. It was all I could think about!
Richardson [reporting]: The day came when Nathanael saw Tiffany, a beautiful girl at church. He wanted to ask her out.
Richardson: Were you nervous?
Flock: I was nervous. It was a faith journey, because my feelings hadn’t caught up to my faith and what God was telling me to do. I felt out of my element, but I knew that God had chosen her for me. I was so certain. So He gave us this amazing day, and I asked her, if she felt the same way, if we could continue in more than just friends. I don’t like the term dating. I consider courtship important, so I asked her dad if I could court his daughter.
Richardson [reporting]: Nathanael and Tiffany courted for seven months. They saved their first kiss for their wedding day.
Richardson: So what is life like for you now?
Flock: Five years ago, if you’d told me I’d be where I am right now, I would have laughed at you! But I’m married. I have a baby on the way. I’m a full-time missionary at a house of prayer and have a wonderful community. I couldn’t ask for anything more. The Lord drew me away with His love and showed me that He was someone that I could trust, that I could follow. He waited for me and didn’t let me go. He kept reaching for me and waiting for me to come back to Him. I’m most thankful for His patience with me and His mercy.
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