Delivered from the Desire to Harm
By Brandice Hudson
The 700 Club
CBN.com -“Fear was a giant in my life,” said Kim Vastine. Growing up, Kim was afraid to let her guard down. Her father’s rage was explosive and unpredictable. “He could be loving one minute and angry the next. “We never had any grid or clue as to what would it take for that anger to be set off,” she said.
She was helpless, watching the violence against her mother. “And I remember as the oldest child then, I was paralyzed with fear.”
Kim thought she could escape the abuse by behaving well. “I couldn’t trust. And the way not to trust was to be good, stay as invisible as I could and to do everything above and beyond what was expected of me.”
Then, a friend of the family began visiting Kim’s house when her parents weren’t home. “He would make comments about what a beautiful little girl I was and how special I was. And that is what lured my heart into believing that he was safe. And that began a relationship that brought a lot of pain and brokenness into my life as a little girl,” said Kim.
Kim never expressed the fear and anger inside her heart. “We just didn’t talk about it and that’s how I lived. Bad things happen but good girls keep it quiet.”
Kim accepted Jesus into her life as a child, but throughout adulthood she still struggled with anger from the abuse.
“I felt like I encountered the Jesus who loved the little girl who had all the things to hide, because in my mind I felt I was still a bad girl. As I grew older I began to find out who Jesus was. I began to read the Bible like I never understood it. I wanted to know, Is He for real?”
Kim was trying to balance marriage, motherhood, and a career when the emotions she worked hard to hide started to show. “My heart hurt all the time. I would drive in traffic and try to cut people off because I felt angry at everybody.”
Years of secrets and shame had become toxic inside of Kim. Now her biggest fear was herself. “Stress and anger were welling up inside of me and I sat there and began to cry. I don’t know to live like this and I’m so afraid that I’m going to hurt my children the way my father hurt me.”
Finally, Kim stopped hiding her pain from God. “I don’t know how to fix this. I don’t know how to do this God, but if You can help me find a way of healing in this. I’m desperate. I can’t do this anymore in my own strength.”
Kim learned to give God her whole heart, even the broken places. Now she’s experiencing a stronger relationship with him.
“There was a Holy encounter with God in the car that day. Because I felt that God came into the car and I felt Him speak to my heart and say, ‘You finally surrender? Will you finally give me this?’ He said, ‘I don’t need you to be good enough for me. I’ve seen everything that you’ve been through and I will work this for good. If you will trust me in this, I will show you how to be healed.’ It was that place of surrender that led me to begin the process.”
Kim started reading Christian books about overcoming anger. She asked God to help her forgive her abusers. “My dad today is walking with Jesus,” Kim shared.
Kim isn’t keeping any more secrets. She spreads the gospel and helps people in need through the non-profit she founded, Ambassador Alliance International. She’s also a Christian Counselor.
“There is a scene in the Titanic movie of the two characters at the front of the boat and they’re leaning into the wind with their arms out like this. This is what freedom looks like! Today is the first day to begin choosing that I can be free from my past. My past doesn’t define who I am and who I can be in Christ. This is what liberty looks like. I am free to be me just as I am,” said Kim.
CBN IS HERE FOR YOU!
Are you seeking answers in life? Are you hurting?
Are you facing a difficult situation?
A caring friend will be there to pray with you in your time of need.