Founder of Couples of Promise
Co-host of nationally syndicated television program RealFAMILIES
Speaker for the Couples of Faith marriage conferences; Phd & MA, University of Arizona
Married for 38 years with four daughters and one son
7 Things He’ll Never Tell You… But You Need to Know
See what Dr. Leman has to say about these other topics:
EVER WONDER WHY YOUR GUY…
If you’ve ever wondered why the man in your life, “sometimes acts like a two year old,” “doesn’t notice the disaster in the family room,” “has a one track mind, even when you’re not in the mood,” or “acts jealous—even of the kids,” you’re not alone and you don’t have to live your life in the dark. Best-selling author and internationally known psychologist Kevin Leman brings light to these mysteries from a man’s perspective in, 7 Things He’ll Never Tell You…but you need to know (Tyndale, 2007). The book brings insight into how men and women are inherently different, but meant to complement one another. What a man doesn’t always share with his partner, may be vital for her to know in order to make the relationship work. Leman’s book addresses seven things you’ll never hear the man in your life say, but he may be thinking, like:
1. “It’s Thursday, and I’m out of words already.” (“But if you want to keep talking, honey, go ahead.”)
Why men want the Cliff’s notes, and women want the whole novel.
Leman says, considering that women on average use three and a half times as many words as men, when men get home from work, they’re done with their word count. He says it’s not that your husband doesn’t want to hear what you’re saying, but he just might not be equipped to answer you at that very moment.
2. “Think of me as a four-year-old that shaves.”
Why boys never really do quite grow up... and why you wouldn’t want them to.
Boys have a competitive drive, and they don’t lose it as the grow into men. Men want instant gratification and have a need to conquer. The upside to this? Leman writes, “At those times, think of the situation with this little twist: If your guy wasn’t so competitive, would he have had the guts to go after you? If he wasn’t so conquering, would you have said yes to marrying him? You see, you ought to be flattered. Your guy saw you as his prize to be won, and he went for it!”
3. “I have a purple dining room, and I could care less!”
Why a man’s home is really not his castle, and why you’re tempted to turn him into a girlfriend.
For most men, Leman says, the colors of the curtains and the dining room walls are not a big deal. Men and women are different and have different needs. “Because of vastly different needs of a woman and man, a woman defines herself around a man, but a man doesn’t define himself around a woman. If you don’t understand that key difference, your feelings will continually be hurt,” he writes. He says women shouldn’t try to turn their husbands into their girlfriends. Just because you enjoy something doesn’t mean you have to do it with your man.
4. “I’m desperate for you to need me.”
Is your guy starving for attention…from you?
Did you realize your husband could be jealous of your kids? Leman says that men need their wives to need “just them” sometimes. “If you want your husband to love your kids and not regard them as competition for your time, you have to find time for just the two of you. The day is coming when your kids will be gone. But your husband will remain. Don’t lose your place in his heart.”
5. “I’ve thought about sex 33 times today, and it’s not even noon.”
Guys are wired differently and for a very good reason.
“Men, on the average, have 33 sexual thoughts a day. When I told Sande that, she said, ‘That’s sick,'” writes Leman. Both men and women are designed for sex (in the confines of marriage), but sex triggers different responses in men and women. For your man, sex is energizing, builds his confidence and boost his overall sense of well-being.
6. “I told you I didn’t want to go.”
What your man fears more than anything else… and how you may be doing that very thing in subtle ways.
Leman says, “If you want to stab a man in the heart, reject him.” He adds, “Because rejection is what every man fears more than anything else.” In the Bible, apostle Paul says, “Each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.” Leman says respect is a man’s top need and, “If you show your man respect, he’ll do anything for you. You’ll have a true, lifelong, loyal partner."
7. “I’d take a bullet for you.”
Why your man longs not only to be a hero, but your hero.
“A healthy man doesn’t want a helpless woman, but a capable woman who has a sense of independence and self-sufficiency, yet is still vulnerable and needs rescuing every once in a while,” Leman writes. We all know the stories about the damsel in distress, but it may not be a complete fairytale. Men really do want to be able to rescue their women, “He needs you to depend on him. He wants to provide for you. He craves your respect and admiration,” Leman adds.
A BETTER UNDERSTANDING
Leman says that women want to be loved and understood and they want a man who’s going to stick with them no matter what; yet the truth is the average marriage only lasts seven years! Leman challenges women, saying they may not really understand the men they’re married to. “The path to a man’s heart is narrow, real narrow,” says Leman. 7 Things provides a roadmap to finding the path to your man’s heart by giving insight into a man’s perspective.
Though the average marriage lasts only seven years, Leman’s notes another statistic he heard from a colleague that blew him away. John Trent reports on a study of married couples and prayer. He says couples who pray together 3-4 times a week only have a divorce rate of 1 in 1,052! Leman says he had to replay the tape he was listening to a few times to make sure he’d heard this right. Leman notes that another study claims that those who believe in God and those who don’t have about the same divorce rate. He concludes, “So, it’s not just belief or faith that will help you sustain your marriage, but praying together and for each other.” Leman writes in his book, “Most married partners have the ‘married single’ lifestyle: you do things independently, so there’s not enough that you share with your husband to keep the relationship going after a while. But when you are drawn together emotionally, physically, and spiritually, it is rare for that bond to break.”
In addition to the spiritual bond that praying together might strengthen, Leman gives another reason that praying together is beneficial. He says that men don’t have as many people to talk to as women and that they have a more difficult time opening up than women. “When you pray with someone you love, you’ll hear things out of their mouth that they may not verbalize to you,” Leman says.
A caring friend will be there to pray with you in your time of need.