Dr. Kevin Leman: Understanding the Man Code
Today one out of two marriages ends in divorce, and the average marriage lasts only seven years. The divorce percentage is even higher for people of faith according to the Barna organization. Dr. Leman says in order to keep your marriage together you have to understand the opposite sex and how they are wired. It will go a long way toward helping you have a more satisfying relationship.
Dr. Leman shares that he and his wife Sande of 42 years are as different from each other as you can get. She gets up early in the morning to groom herself, does her hair, etc., so she is always at her best. Dr. Leman says he on the other hand is happy to get up, brush his teeth, put on a t-shirt, a baseball cap, and the shorts that he wore the day before. Men and women are very different. Men are simple creatures (not simple-minded) compared to females. Men are competitive, predictable, singularly focused and process information differently from their counterparts.
There are three things a husband desires from his wife, in this order: (1) He needs to be respected; (2) He needs to be needed and (3) He needs to be fulfilled. Dr. Leman says in all his years as a therapist he has never had one man who has been respected, needed and fulfilled by his wife come to his office and seek a divorce. In order to love a wife the way she wants to be loved, a man needs to feel she respects him.
Women on the other hand are complex creatures who juggle multifaceted projects and endless to-do lists. They have three top needs, in this order: (1) She needs affection; (2) She needs honest, open communication, and (3) She needs commitment to family.
Dr. Leman says seals are a lot like husbands. Just as a seal performs for a three-pound fish, a husband longs for the attention and the rewards from his wife. “The reality is that your husband really does want to be a good husband,” assures Dr. Leman. “He really does want to please you. The hitch is that he doesn’t know how. You have to learn how to show him, without discouraging him in the process. If you do a few things right and consistently to get his attention, you’ll be surprised by how simple this really is.”
5-Day Game Plan (For Wives)
Dr. Leman has taken nearly four decades of marriage experience and combined it into one book. “I’ve done this because I care about strong marriages and I want to see husbands and wives have the fulfilling relationships they’ve always dreamed of.” He offers the following game plan:
- Monday – Learn how to decipher the “male code” so you can work together in harmony.
- Tuesday – Learn how to interact with him so that you get what you want and need from him.
- Wednesday – Learn how to talk so your husband will really listen and how to listen so that your husband will really talk.
- Thursday – Learn how to show your husband that you love him.
- Friday – Learn how, as his wife, to unlock his heart
A few other basic things that will keep a husband purring like a contented kitten:
- Listen to him and honor his opinion
- Affirm his masculinity
- Don’t ask him, “Why?”
- Choose your words carefully and streamline them
- Pursue his body at will and put the sizzle and fun back into your relationship
“Making changes in your marriage isn’t easy, but it’s simple. It all starts with you, and your motivation and desire to make things work in your marriage,” shares Dr. Leman. Too often women resort to nagging, complaining, and being overly demanding of their husband which only sabotages their best efforts.
Dr. Leman shares a few “rules to live by” for women: (1) Your husband is not your girlfriend; (2) he doesn’t and never will think like you do, (3) and he’s equal but not the same. Having a great marriage is all about mutual respect and getting behind your spouse’s eyes to see how he or she views the world. It is a partnership.
In January, Dr. Leman and Sande will sail the Eastern Caribbean on a Couples of Promise Cruise, an organization he created eight years ago to help couples remain happily married. Special guests include Steve Green and Cheri Keaggy.
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